Dating Someone With Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Trust With Avoidant Partners

Dating someone with avoidant attachment can be mysteriously attractive. We might fall for their independence, self-resilience, and quiet stoicism. However, avoidant attachment in relationships can bring several challenges. For instance, soon into the dynamic, we might end up feeling baffled by their need for days of silence and our inability to understand what they’re thinking.

The emotional distance of avoidant attachment can make it hard to date someone with this style. You may feel desperate to build trust and get closer to them, only to be pushed away further. To help you learn how to date and build trust with avoidant partners, this article will explore:

• What avoidant attachment is and its causes
• Signs you’re dating an avoidant person
• Tips for dating an avoidant person
• Patterns in how avoidant people may date those with other attachment styles
• Breaking up with an avoidant partner
• Treatment options for avoidant attachment

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment (known as dismissive avoidant in adulthood) is an insecure attachment style characterized by a preference for independence and autonomy. People with this style typically do not feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and so may distance themselves from it.^[1]

This style of attachment is usually caused by caregivers who were consistently dismissive of their child’s needs – especially emotional ones. For example, your avoidant partner may have had parents who were disengaged, distant, and emotionally unavailable during their childhood.

Children are innately driven to adapt to their environment in order to survive. When they’re emotionally neglected, they’ll likely learn to suppress negative feelings, not ask for help, and not expect others to be there for them. As they grow up, if they don’t experience situations of conflict and emotional vulnerability, these moments can become even harder for them to navigate.

Avoidantly attached people often feel positive about their ability to cope and self-regulate, but might harbor negative views about other people. It’s not that they think they’re better than others; they simply don’t trust people and closeness in relationships. Unfortunately, this means they can prone to pessimism and emotional deprivation.^[2]

It’s good to be aware that avoidant people are not constantly withdrawn and uncooperative. Typically, it’s stressful situations that bring out these avoidant attachment behaviors. For example, being asked to give or receive support can trigger their attachment traits. So, you may only notice a partner’s avoidance in situations where there’s pressure for them to be emotionally intimate.^[1]

Signs You’re Dating an Avoidant Person

You may not notice someone’s attachment style until you’ve been dating them for a while. Unless you’re very upfront on a first date, triggering instances of emotional intimacy likely won’t come up for a few weeks or months.

So, if you’re dating someone with avoidant attachment, you might notice the following signs, particularly in moments of intimacy:

Fear of Commitment:

An avoidant person may feel reluctant to enter into a long-term relationship because of their fears of intimacy. On your first few dates with them, they may speak very positively about being single or express a desire to keep things casual.^[3]

Emotional Distance

As mentioned, people with avoidant attachment can be triggered in moments when they’re upset or their partner is upset. When distressed, they might actually seek less support from their partners. Instead, they may seek distance in order to manage their feelings on their own.^[1]

Equally, they might offer their partners less comfort when they’re upset. In fact, they might even appear to be irritated when their partner expresses an emotional need. These signs are due to avoidant individuals being uncomfortable with giving and receiving emotional support.^[1] It’s good to be aware that conflict and distress can trigger feelings of rejection in those with avoidant attachment, so they cope by withdrawing from the situation.

Independence

The rejecting and dismissive messages they’ve received from caregivers can mean that avoidantly attached people feel like they have had to “go it alone” for their whole lives. This can mean that they may become extremely independent in their daily lives, frequently preferring to engage in solo hobbies and daily activities.^[3]

They might also be very emotionally independent, preferring to self-isolate and keep their feelings to themselves. Avoidant people often even report less emotional distress following the end of romantic relationships, potentially because they’re better at suppressing negative thoughts and feelings.^[1] However, this can mean that they don’t get to process feelings of hurt.

These avoidant attachment patterns in love can be confusing when you don’t know what to look for. You may feel shut out, unwanted, or as though you’re treading on eggshells.

How to Date Someone With Avoidant Attachment

If you’re new to dating someone with an avoidant attachment, you may be wondering how to handle a partner’s behavior so you can best understand and support them. The following tips for dating an avoidant person might help.

1. Get Them on Board:

The first thing you should do as a couple is communicate about how attachment is impacting your relationship. Ideally, an avoidant partner will work on becoming more aware of their patterns and how they impact you. If they’re open to trying to be brave with vulnerability and communication, this will be a lot easier.

2. Keep Your Own Attachment Style in Mind:

The next step is trying to identify whether you’re secure, anxious, or disorganized. Or perhaps you’re a little bit avoidant, too. Knowing how your attachment style interacts with theirs can make it easier to understand your relationship dynamic.^[3]

3. Allow Them to Re-Establish Their Independence:

People with avoidant attachment may need space to regulate after a stressful event. If they need to take a day by themselves to feel more in touch with their autonomy and sense of control, you should allow them to.^[1] Otherwise, you could risk further withdrawal.

4. Offer Support in Gentle Ways:

You can provide support for your partner without causing them to feel overwhelmed. For instance, you could let them know that you’re here for them, that things will be OK, and that you’re available to speak when they’re ready. They may feel smothered if you try to give them too much support too soon.^[3]

5. Try to Resolve Conflicts and Stress in Secure Ways:

Over time, it’s good if an avoidant partner can gradually learn to handle triggering events with physical and emotional closeness. This can absolutely happen with the help of a partner, though it shouldn’t be rushed. Speak as a couple about setting this as a goal. Their trust in you and emotional closeness can take time.^[1] A mental health professional, such as an attachment specialist, could help with this process.

Avoidant Attachment Love Patterns: What It Looks Like When Dating Other Styles

You should know that when an avoidant person is in a healthy relationship, they can actually become more secure. Research finds that people might actually act against their avoidant impulses if they’re sufficiently committed to someone. In other words, serious devotion between partners can act as a buffer against attachment insecurity.^[1]

So, as your relationship continues, they might become more comfortable with opening up and handling stress in more secure ways. However, your specific relationship conflicts may differ depending on your combination of attachment styles. The following is an overview of what we mean by this.

In couples where one person is avoidant and the other is anxious, there is a greater risk of tension. These two styles often create a “push and pull” dynamic, where the anxious partner seeks consistent reassurance and closeness from the avoidant partner, which can push them away further. Plus, people with these opposing styles may be attracted to each other’s traits, wishing they could be more like the other.^[4]

When two avoidant people date, the relationship can feel easy and lightweight. Each partner accepts the other’s need for distance, and there’ll be minimal conflict. Over time, however, tension or disinterest could grow if emotional needs aren’t being met.^[3]

If an avoidant person dates a securely attached person, it’s unlikely that there will be a great deal of tension. A secure partner is typically able to regulate their own feelings and give their partner the space they need. In addition, without excess pressure to connect (that an anxious partner may bring), the avoidant partner can open up at their own pace.

Knowing your attachment style can help you understand your relationship dynamic, enabling you to communicate your own feelings and attachment “blueprint” to help your avoidant partner also understand.

Breaking Up With an Avoidant Person

It’s OK if you decide you no longer want to be in a relationship with an avoidant partner. Breaking up is always difficult, but if someone can’t meet your emotional needs, you have to make the right choice for your well-being. However, it may help to know a little bit about how your partner’s attachment style may impact the process.

Avoidant adults are the way they are due to consistent rejection as children. As a result, they may have had to develop an aloof and unaffected manner to protect themselves. Therefore, when you break up, it’s very likely that they won’t show the true depth of their feelings. In fact, they may not even recognize the depth of the impact of the breakup.

During a painful conversation, they may shut down emotionally and become silent. It may take a long time for them to be ready to talk with you. Plus, after the breakup, their avoidance of painful thoughts may mean it takes them months to process what’s happened.

Try to be patient and allow them the space they need to process the news. And, as with any breakup, aim to deliver the news with kindness. If you explain your reasoning fairly, this could act as a sturdy foundation for your partner to understand what’s happened – and give them the chance to grow from it.^[5]

Additionally, it might be worth noting that people with avoidant attachment may be less likely than other styles to give a relationship another chance. So only instigate a breakup if you’re sure it’s what you want.

Mission Connection: Get Attachment Support Today

Attachment is fundamental to our mental health and relationships as adults. Therefore, it’s a good idea to get some form of support for attachment wounds. Mental health counseling for avoidant partners can help them understand the experiences that have shaped them and how their attachment patterns are influencing their current behavior.

You may also be interested in therapy for couples with attachment issues. This kind of support can facilitate better communication between partners and improve your understanding of how attachment is impacting your dynamic.

At Mission Connection, we offer a range of services to help with mental health, relationships, trauma, and attachment. We understand what it takes for someone to recover from avoidant attachment through therapy and aim to support you in a personalized way. Get in touch with our team if you’re eager to find out more or wish to discuss treatment options.