Passive-aggressive behaviors in relationships can be like a leaky faucet. In the beginning, the drip is barely noticeable, but over time, it erodes communication, trust, and satisfaction.
Passive-aggressive behavior is damaging to well-being and relationships because it’s a way to indirectly express anger and frustration – often in ways that are purposely intended to hurt or confuse the other person.
Many of us slip into passive-aggressive communication from time to time, especially during times of stress or upset. However, if passive-aggressive traits are the go-to pattern of expressing emotions, it can affect relations at home, in the workplace, and with friends.
If you or a loved one regularly resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to the extent that they’re affecting your quality of life, there are many support options available. To help you understand and manage passive-aggression, this article discusses:
- What passive-aggressive behavior is
- Examples of passive-aggressive behavior
- Potential causes of passive-aggressive behavior
- Signs of passive-aggressive behavior – including in the workplace and relationships
- How to manage passive-aggressive anger
- Therapy for passive-aggressive anger options
- When to seek support for passive-aggressive behavior
What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
It can be difficult to understand how to manage passive-aggressive behavior without first coming to grips with what it looks like and where it comes from.
Interestingly, the phrase “passive-aggression” first came into clinical awareness during World War II to describe a pattern of behavior in soldiers. The soldiers, feeling frustrated and angry with officers’ commands, acted as though they would comply, but, instead, performed poorly on purpose, sulked, made excuses, and procrastinated. They understood they would be punished for directly refusing to act on orders, so felt safer acting subtly hostile.[1]
Nowadays, passive-aggressive behavior takes a similar pattern to the soldiers’ actions; it involves expressing anger or frustration in indirect ways. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), this pattern of expressing frustration can seem “innocent, accidental, or neutral.” However, it’s intended to express true feelings.[2]
Passive-aggressive communication can be contradictory and, sometimes, difficult to detect. At times, it may even look like enthusiasm over a suggestion, but then a lack of action. On other occasions, it might be sulking, resentment, complaints, and hostility.[3] You might even notice that someone’s behavior doesn’t match their words; they might say “I’m fine,” but show hostile body language.
Regardless of whether passive-aggressive behavior is obvious or subtle, it nevertheless can damage relationships and well-being – and can increase anger and frustration due to the underlying issue not being resolved.
To help determine whether you or a loved one is showing regular passive-aggressive traits, we cover some examples of passive-aggressive behavior.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior can be obvious or subtle, the following examples demonstrate both patterns.
Example #1
Laura spent hours preparing a meal for her husband, Liam, to enjoy. Once the meal was ready, she dressed up in her favorite outfit and waited for Liam to come home. When he did, he kissed her on the cheek and sat down to eat. Once he finished his meal, Laura asked how he enjoyed it, to which he responded; “It was…good.” Laura, feeling crushed, decides to wash the dishes. Liam asks her if she wants him to do them, but she mutters “No” and turns away from him. For the rest of the evening, she only replies to him with one-word answers. Instead of expressing her disappointment in his lack of enthusiasm, she assumed he didn’t enjoy the meal.
Example #2
Amani’s flatmate Clara never washes her dishes after cooking. It drives Amani crazy, but instead of discussing her frustration with Clara, she slams cupboard doors, says things like “I just love washing dishes,” and speaks about it on the phone loudly enough for Clara to hear.
Example #3
John has been working on an important work assignment with his team member, Elijah. John feels as though Elijah has been dragging his heels, so when Elijah asks him if he can email him a report he needs to complete his share of work, John replies “Yeah, of course. No problem.” Two days later, Elijah asks John again to forward the report and John says, “Sorry – I forgot.” John never forwards the report to Elijah, and Elijah misses his deadline.
Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Adults
People might have passive-aggressive traits for a variety of reasons. Some may have learned to act this way in childhood, while others may be experiencing a time of stress that affects their actions. In general, passive-aggression is a coping mechanism – a way of dealing with negative emotions without having to openly express anger.
The following are potential causes of passive-aggressive behavior in adults:[1][4][5][6]
Learned Behaviors
An adult may have learned that passive-aggression is a safer way to express their emotions over their lifetime. For instance, their family environment growing up might have rewarded pushing down emotions over openly sharing them. As a result, they may never have been given the chance to learn healthier ways to express themselves.
Underlying Motivations
Some people might act passive-aggressively because they fear rejection or abandonment. For instance, someone with an insecure attachment style might believe that voicing their anger will lead to disapproval and the end of a romantic relationship.
Low Self-Esteem
Adults with low self-esteem might find expressing their wants and needs difficult. Therefore, they may resort to passive-aggression as a way of gaining control and venting their feelings.
Feeling Unsafe Expressing Themselves Directly
Anger and frustration are often perceived negatively by certain cultures, especially ones like the workplace. As a result, someone might resort to passive-aggression to express themselves as they may fear negative consequences.
Mental Health Conditions
Certain mental health conditions, such as depression and pessimism, are linked with passive-aggressive traits – backing up the belief that certain people may use passive-aggressive anger as a way to manage difficult emotions.
As these causes and the above examples demonstrate, passive-aggressive behavior can look different from person to person, relationship, and situation. Let’s discuss passive-aggressive behavior in relationships and the workplace to increase understanding.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationships
A lot of us are prone to the occasional passive-aggressive behavior in relationships, but these are usually not motivated by the intention to cause harm to the other person.[7]
Common Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationships
- Giving the “silent treatment”
- Guilting
- Sarcasm or “negative humor”
- Backhanded compliments
- Disapproving actions
- Withholding behaviors
- Agreeing to help with a chore, but purposely doing it slowly or not at all
This list of passive-aggressive behaviors isn’t limited to just these actions, but commonly happens when we’re angry or upset at a partner and don’t want to deal with the problem directly.
However, if passive-aggression becomes a go-to pattern of communicating disapproval in a relationship, it can be highly damaging to the self-esteem of partners and erode trust. Even though it may be perceived as less damaging than other forms of aggression, it could be more harmful in the long run.[7]
Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Workplace
Perhaps the most well-known passive-aggressive communication in the workplace is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This comment perfectly captures the intent to express anger and place blame – but also the underlying motivation to avoid conflict for fear of negative outcomes. In other words, it’s often more comfortable to express frustration indirectly in the workplace rather than risk conflict with an employer or colleague.
Passive aggression in the workplace can come from an employer or a fellow employee and is often common during times of stress or increased output. Yet, whether it’s intended maliciously or not, it can damage workplace dynamics, interrupt workflow, reduce output, and cause a negative workplace climate.[8]
Common Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Workplace
- Sarcasm
- Postponing or procrastinating tasks
- Making excuses
- Victim blaming
- The “silent treatment”
- Withholding information
Managing Passive-Aggressive Anger
If you or someone you know is regularly turning to passive-aggression communication as a way to deal with negative emotions, anger management therapy with a trained professional may be advisable. However, there are steps you can take in the meantime to help manage passive-aggressive anger.
1. Understand the Patterns
As is clear from the information in this article, passive-aggressive anger takes many forms and guises. So, it’s important to start paying attention to specific characteristics.
If you suspect you are prone to passive-aggressive behavior, pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Can you pinpoint moments or situations in which you think you might be more likely to act this way? Anger journaling for self-awareness can help: Keep a daily log of what you feel, who you feel angry or frustrated around, when you feel like this, and why you think it might be happening.
2. Pay Attention to How Anger Shows Up in Your Body
Passive-aggressive actions are linked to people who find understanding and expressing their emotions difficult. If you regularly act passive-aggressive, you may be able to better understand your feelings by paying attention to how they show up physically. Some common physical signs of anger in the body include:
- A faster heartbeat
- Tension, such as a clenched jaw or fists
- A flushed face
- Raised blood pressure
- Cold or hot sweats
- Changes to breathing patterns
Understanding that these signs may indicate anger allows you to control it before you resort to passive-aggressive communication.
3. Manage Your Anger in the Moment
Once you can detect the patterns of when and why you get angry, as well as how it shows in your body, you can start managing it in the moment rather than feeling the need to resort to passive-aggression.
You can do this through quick stress relief strategies such as deep breathing, paying attention to your senses, mindfulness techniques such as One-Minute Mindfulness, or stimulating the vagus nerve by using your finger to gently press down on the inside of your lower ear.
4. Ask Yourself What It Is You Need and Want
Underlying anger tends to come from some form of unmet need. Often, this need is one of the core human needs: Safety, love, independence, a sense of identity, feeling free to openly share feelings, and the ability to be playful and have fun.[9]
Subconsciously, you may know that one of these needs isn’t being met and your feelings of frustration might be trying to motivate you to meet it. The next time you feel angry or are tempted to act passive-aggressively, ask yourself questions such as the following:
- “Am I feeling safe enough to express my feelings?”
- “Is something happening to threaten my safety or security?”
- “Am I feeling appreciated and loved?”
- “Do I feel like my independence and sense of identity are being questioned?”
- “Do I feel free enough to be spontaneous and playful?”
The answers to these questions might help give you some insight into the motivations behind your passive-aggression – as well as help you communicate what you need to others.
5. Work on Your Communication Skills
You may be using passive-aggressive behavior as a way to avoid conflict, but conflict is an unavoidable part of life. Openly and honestly communicating what it is you want and need reduces confusion and allows another person to appreciate your point of view. Good communication skills also involve actively listening to the other person, including their body language – lowering the chance that you’ll misinterpret their meaning.
Therapy for Passive-Aggressive Anger
Passive-aggressive behavior is not a healthy way to communicate your frustrations. If you or someone you love is finding letting go of anger and it’s affecting your well-being, relationships, and overall happiness, therapy may be a suitable option. Therapy for passive-aggressive anger can help you understand the causes of your anger, how to communicate these, and make healthier choices.
There are a number of therapy options for passive-aggressive anger, including:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for addressing passive-aggressive behavior is effective because it helps people recognize the patterns in their thoughts, feelings, and actions – and how to make positive changes to these.
- Emotion-focused therapy (EFT): Emotion regulation therapy for passive-aggressive tendencies can increase emotional intelligence, improve communication, resolve conflicts – and help someone navigate passive-aggressive anger.
- Mindfulness therapy: Mindfulness-based anger reduction for passive-aggressive behavior can reduce stress, raise awareness of emotions and how to manage them, and improve relationships.
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT was adapted from CBT for people who struggle with strong or difficult emotions and can help reduce anger by teaching practical ways of managing emotions and stress.
When to Seek Help for Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Everyone behaves passive-aggressively from time to time, but if it’s a go-to pattern of communication, then it can become a problem. Passive-aggressive anger can be destructive. It can damage relationships, self-worth, and job performance – and affect happiness in general. If you or a loved one is finding it difficult to manage passive-aggressive anger, support and help are available.
Mission Connection offers flexible anger management treatment, designed to fit into your regular life. Our team of trained professionals specializes in helping clients build the skills to foster better well-being, relationships, and life satisfaction.
We understand that every person’s journey toward mental well-being is unique and are committed to providing the highest quality of care. Reaching out is the first step toward better help – contact us today for support.
FAQs About Intermittent Explosive Disorder in Adults
What is passive‑aggressive behavior?
Passive‑aggressive behavior refers to a pattern of expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than openly, such as through sarcasm, backhanded comments, procrastination or silent withdrawal.
What causes passive‑aggressive behavior?
Causes can include difficulty with direct emotional expression, fear of conflict, childhood or relational patterns of suppression, and underlying mental‑health issues such as low self‑esteem or resentment.
How is passive‑aggressive behavior treated?
Treatment generally involves psychotherapeutic approaches like cognitive‑behavioral therapy (CBT) or interpersonal therapy to build direct communication skills, assertiveness, emotional awareness, and healthier coping strategies.
Can passive‑aggressive behavior change over time?
Yes. With self‑awareness, therapeutic support, and consistent practice of healthier communication and expression of emotion, many adults significantly reduce passive‑aggressive patterns and improve their relationships.
References
- Hopwood, C. J., & Wright, A. G. C. (2012). A comparison of passive–aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), 296–303. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223891.2012.655819
- American Psychological Association. Passive-aggressive. In APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/passive-aggressive
- Mayo Clinic Staff. Passive-aggressive behavior: what are the red flags? Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
- Lim, O., & Suh, H. (2022). Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale (pas). Behavioral Sciences, 12(8), 273. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs12080273
- Dennen, J. M. G. V. D. (2005). Theories of aggression: aggression as learned behaviour. Default journal.
- Schanz, C.G., Equit, M., & Schäfer, S.K. (2022). Self-directed passive-aggressive behaviour as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies. BMC Psychiatry 22, 200. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1
- Richardson, D. S., & Hammock, G. S. (2011). Is it aggression?: perceptions of and motivations for passive and psychological aggression. In J. P. Forgas, A. W. Kruglanski, & K. D. Williams (Eds.), The psychology of social conflict and aggression (pp. 53–64). Psychology Press.
- Biçer, C. (2020). Shedding crocodile tears: how to deal with passive-aggressive employees at workplaces? Kafkas Üniversitesi Sağlık, Kültür ve Spor Daire Başkanlığı Dijital Baskı Merkezi.
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: a practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.