Anger Management Issues in Relationships
It’s easy to see anger as our enemy. It can so quickly take hold of us, and, before we know it, we’ve said or done something we regret.
If this happens to you, you may have started labeling yourself as an angry, unkind, or hurtful person. Telling yourself that all you do is hurt the ones you love. But here’s the truth: if your anger is affecting your relationships, you may be struggling with anger management issues.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take to manage your anger so that it no longer damages your relationships.1 Below, we’ll discuss how anger management issues can impact relationships, and strategies to manage your anger both at home and in a therapeutic setting.
What Triggers Anger Management Issues in Relationships?
Everyone experiences anger from time to time, and there is nothing inherently harmful about this emotion. However, if you find it impossible to manage your anger in a healthy way, this can lead to problems.2
Relationships often push us right to our limits. So, in adult relationships, and especially romantic ones, anger management issues can arise. Anger issues between romantic partners can happen in response to stress, misunderstandings, and disagreements. It can also occur when one or both partners feel threatened by the potential of a breakup or separation.3
What’s more, people often struggle with anger management issues in relationships when they’re feeling hurt, rejected, or betrayed. For instance, betrayal anger may occur if your partner has been unfaithful or you feel as if your partner is disloyal.4
Unfortunately, anger in relationships can become harmful. When anger isn’t managed in healthy ways, it can lead to relationship problems and, in severe cases, it may lead to violence.2 If you’re worried that you or a loved one may be struggling with anger issues, your first step to getting support is recognizing what unhealthy anger can look like in relationships. More on that next!
Signs of Unhealthy Anger in Relationships
When anger management issues arise in relationships, anger becomes unhealthy. Consider the signs below, which indicate problems with anger in relationships: 2,4,5
- Intense disagreements that escalate quickly
- Ruminating over the same issues repeatedly
- Anger has affected intimacy in the relationship
- Frequent or worsening conflict in a relationship
- Screaming and name-calling during arguments
- Giving a partner the silent treatment when angry
- Seeking revenge or harming others as a result of anger
- Becoming physically or verbally aggressive when angry
- Struggling to communicate, or shutting down completely
How Anger Affects Relationships
Unmanaged anger can harm a relationship in many ways. It can also negatively impact the well-being of both people in the relationship. Below are some specific consequences of anger in relationships2,3,4:
- Damage to relationships
- Intimate partner violence
- Depression and loneliness
- Feeling badly about oneself
- Increased relationship problems
- Dissatisfaction with relationships
- Heightened risk of separation or divorce
- Escalating conflict leading to relationship breakdown
Based on what is known about uncontrolled anger, it can be extremely detrimental to relationships. And while anger is not a problem itself, the way we act as a result of our anger can be. However, taking steps to manage our anger can reduce the impact it has on our relationships.
Dealing With Anger in Marriage or Partnerships
Given the problems associated with unmanaged anger, learning strategies for controlling anger in relationships is essential. Without effective anger management skills, relationships are likely to be unhealthy or end in hurtful ways.
When faced with situations that bring up anger in you, the following strategies can be helpful for immediately de-escalating anger:6
- Walk away from a conversation and take a break when you notice your anger escalating.
- Practice a relaxation technique like deep breathing or imagining a calming scene when anger becomes overwhelming.
- Take time to clearly communicate your needs to your partner, rather than blaming or making demands. If you need to cool down first, that’s okay.
- Try to listen to your partner’s point of view and show empathy for them. Feeling seen and heard makes others more receptive to hearing our point of view.
It’s important to note that while in-the-moment strategies are important, they don’t always solve anger management difficulties. Often, we need to combine short-term strategies with long-term approaches for controlling anger. Let’s explore these next.
Long-Term Strategies for Controlling Anger in Relationships
If you’re looking to learn how to prevent anger from ruining relationships, the tips below are useful:
- Practice mindfulness strategies, such as meditation or yoga, to help you become more aware of anger triggers.7
- Engage in regular stress reduction practices, such as getting exercise and practicing relaxation techniques.6
- Keep a gratitude journal to trigger positive emotions and reframe any negative thinking patterns.8
In addition to the strategies above, it’s important to become mindful of your anger triggers. Try to identify situations that tend to provoke anger and minimize your exposure to these situations as much as possible. If you are exposed to a trigger, be prepared to walk away briefly or practice a relaxation technique like deep breathing.6
Finally, developing skills for emotional resilience is critical for long-term anger management in relationships. You can develop this resilience by focusing on problem-solving when angry and reminding yourself that you and your partner are a team.
It’s also beneficial to reframe your thinking to improve emotion regulation. For example, remind yourself that you have experienced conflict before and gotten through it, and you can do so again.6
Therapeutic Approaches for Anger in Relationships
Sometimes, therapy for anger in couples is necessary to learn anger management skills. Fortunately, there are a variety of therapeutic approaches available. So, you can choose the approach that works best for you!
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Relationship-focused CBT for anger is often a suitable solution. CBT can teach couples to change the unhealthy thought patterns that link to their dysfunctional anger.
For instance, people who are prone to anger problems may have unhealthy beliefs related to perfection, and they may view aggression as an acceptable way of managing frustration. CBT can teach new ways of thinking that reduce anger and its related consequences.5
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT for anger in relationships is another beneficial therapeutic approach. EFT teaches couples to recognize unhealthy patterns in their relationships and communicate clearly about their emotional needs. This can help couples to identify the emotions sitting underneath their anger.9
Attachment-Based Therapy
Anger issues in relationships can be the result of unmet attachment (in other words, relationship) needs. Our attachment needs develop in early childhood based on our relationships with our caretakers.
If our caretakers weren’t nurturing or responsive to our needs, we may carry these unmet needs into our adult relationships. Attachment-based therapy for anger can help us overcome our attachment insecurities so we can cope with our anger.4
Conflict Resolution Therapy
Conflict resolution therapy teaches us how to arrive at a compromise and get to the point of mutual understanding. Conflict resolution therapy for couples can also reduce unhealthy anger by helping couples deal with disagreements in a productive, healthy fashion.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Method for anger in relationships is a well-researched couple’s counseling technique. This method focuses on building positive interactions and eliminating unhelpful behaviors like criticism and defensiveness during conflict.10
Relationship-Centered Anger Management Solutions
When couples struggle with anger in relationships, there are several strategies for addressing the problem together.
Couples Therapy for Anger Issues
Couples therapy provides a safe setting for exploring your anger triggers. A couple’s therapist can also help you and your partner learn healthy conflict resolution, as well as how to build a long-lasting emotional connection.9,10
Marriage Counseling for Anger Management
Marriage counselors can help spouses to manage long-term issues, such as repeated conflict. Counseling can reduce distress, enhance communication, and improve the satisfaction each partner feels in their relationship.11
Group Therapy for Couples
Some couples benefit from participating in anger support groups for couples. Group therapy is helpful, as it connects couples with others who are experiencing similar challenges. Groups offer peer support as well as the opportunity to learn from other people.12
Preventing Anger From Ruining Relationships
Unmanaged anger can damage relationships. But when you get the right support for you, you can learn to manage your anger in healthy ways so that it doesn’t lead to a breakup or divorce. The following tips can reduce the negative effects of anger:
- Seek help at the first sign of ongoing anger issues.
- Maintain clear, consistent communication with your partner.
- Work to address conflict through compromise before it escalates.
- Learn to step away from conflict and take a break when your anger is escalating.6
- Try not to dwell on past disagreements and commit to rebuilding trust and intimacy.6
- Practice healthy stress management by engaging in relaxation techniques and making time for exercise.6
When faced with situations that bring up anger in you, the following strategies can be helpful for immediately de-escalating anger:6
- Walk away from a conversation and take a break when you notice your anger escalating.
- Practice a relaxation technique like deep breathing or imagining a calming scene when anger becomes overwhelming.
- Take time to clearly communicate your needs to your partner, rather than blaming or making demands. If you need to cool down first, that’s okay.
- Try to listen to your partner’s point of view and show empathy for them. Feeling seen and heard makes others more receptive to hearing our point of view.
It’s important to note that while in-the-moment strategies are important, they don’t always solve anger management difficulties. Often, we need to combine short-term strategies with long-term approaches for controlling anger. Let’s explore these next.
Resources and Support
Accessing resources and support services near you can make anger in relationships more manageable. The following resources are likely to be beneficial:
- Anger Support Groups: Attending a support group at a local community center or mental health agency can connect you to other couples seeking to manage their anger. Support groups will provide you with an opportunity to learn new strategies and practice anger management in a safe setting.
- Online and In-person Therapy Options: If you need professional support for anger management, there is no shame in seeking therapy. Therapy can be essential for rebuilding trust after anger in relationships. You can choose between in-person therapy for face-to-face connection, or online therapy if you have a particularly busy schedule.
Self-help Tools: There are numerous self-help resources available for anger problems in relationships. You can explore books that offer information on anger management. You can also find online videos that walk you through meditation and relaxation exercises. Many of these exercises are suitable for performing together with your partner.
Contact Us For Support Today
Anger problems don’t have to ruin your relationship. With healthy anger management skills and professional support, it’s possible to overcome problems associated with anger in relationships.
If you’re ready to seek couples anger management therapy, Mission Connection is here to help. We offer a variety of services, including cognitive behavioral therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and mindfulness-based therapy.
Contact us today to learn more about how our services can help you overcome your anger management issues.
References
1. Pish, S., Clark-Jones, T., Eschbach, C., & Tiret, H. (2016). Anger management program participants gain behavioral changes in interpersonal relationships. The Journal of Extension, 54(5). https://doi.org/10.34068/joe.54.05.25
2. Dewi, I. D. A. D. P., & Kyranides, M. N. (2022). Physical, verbal, and relational aggression: The role of anger management strategies. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 31(1), 65–82. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2021.1994495
3. Kocur, J. L., & Deffenbacher, J. L. (2014). Anger and anger’s expression generally and in romantic relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 36(2), 120–134. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-013-9273-6
4. Nisenbaum, M. G., & Lopez, F. G. (2015). Adult attachment orientations and anger expression in romantic relationships: A dyadic analysis.Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(1), 63–72. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000047
5. Askari, I. (2019). The role of the belief system for anger management of couples with anger and aggression: A cognitive-behavioral perspective. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 37(2), 223–240. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10942-018-0302-7
6. American Psychological Association. (2011). Strategies for controlling your anger: Keeping anger in check. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/strategies-controlling
7. Eisenlohr-Moul, T. A., Peters, J. R., Pond, R. S. Jr., & DeWall, C. N. (2016). Both trait and state mindfulness predict lower aggressiveness via anger rumination: A multilevel mediation analysis. Mindfulness, 7, 713–726. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-016-0508-x
8. Yu, C.-W., Chang, Y.-P., Li, C.-H., & Wu, H.-Y. (2023). From emotion beliefs to regulatory behavior: Gratitude journaling initiation and outcomes. Journal of Happiness Studies, 24(1), 57–78. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-022-00574-9
9. Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229
10. Meunier, V. (2017). Gottman method couples therapy. In Behavioral, humanistic-existential, and psychodynamic approaches to couples counseling (1st ed., pp. 35). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315676869
11. Javadivala, Z., Allahverdipour, H., Jafarabadi, M. A., Azimi, S., Gilani, N., & Chattu, V. K. (2021). Improved couple satisfaction and communication with marriage and relationship programs: Are there gender differences?—A systematic review and meta-analysis. Systematic Reviews, 10,(178). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-021-01727-3
12. Malhotra, A., Mars, J. A., & Baker, J. (2024). Group Therapy. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing.
