Codependent relationships can cause you to see another person’s problems as obstacles to your happiness. Many people are aware of someone who thinks of no one but themselves. However, codependent people struggle to ever put their own needs and wants first – losing their sense of self and direction in life as a result.
You might even have heard “codependent” used as an adjective, for instance; “We’re very codependent on each other.” While someone saying such a statement might mean it romantically, the truth is that real codependence is far from idyllic.
It’s important to note that although codependency often occurs alongside mental health conditions, it is not a mental health diagnosis, and is sometimes criticized by experts for stigmatizing healthy relationship behaviors.1
To help clarify any myths around codependency, this article discusses:
- What codependency is
- The main signs of codependency in relationships
- How to overcome codependency
- When to seek support
What Is Codependency?
A codependent relationship is a one-sided, imbalanced relationship in which one partner becomes a “caregiver” and the other a “receiver.” The term “codependent relationship” applies to any dynamic with an inequity of power; there is a “Taker” who needs the support of the “Giver.” The Giver, in turn, also needs to be needed. This means both partners’ self-worth and purpose depend entirely on the other person.
Codependency (sometimes called “relationship addiction”) doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships – it’s any form of enabling relationship that can occur in a dynamic, such as parent-child, friends, and family members.
7 Signs of Codependency in Relationships
If you’re wondering whether you or someone you know is in a codependent relationship, the following signs might help.1-4
Remember, the signs of codependency in relationships might show up slightly differently depending on the type of codependence – familial, romantic, or friendship.
1. An Uncontrollable Need to Attend to the Other Person
Possibly the most defining trait of codependency is feeling a loss of control over how much you need the other person in your life. As codependency is sometimes called “relationship addiction,” you might feel like you can’t function without the other person.
You might even sacrifice your own needs and wants to make sure the other person stays interested in the relationship.
2. A Fear of Abandonment
An underlying fear of abandonment, sometimes caused by an anxious attachment style, is often considered the “kindling” for codependent relationships. People with an anxious attachment style typically people-please, sacrifice needs, and form an unhealthy attachment to partners to prove that they’re “worthy” of love and safety in relationships.
Additionally, both partners in a codependent relationship may have a core fear of abandonment. The Taker requires the Giver’s attention and validation as much as the Giver needs to provide it for them.
3. Social Isolation
It’s not uncommon for both partners within a codependent relationship to have a lack of social support outside the relationship. This lack of support magnifies the need for the other person’s approval and attention – and reduces the likelihood that either partner will have the time or interest in widening their social circle.
4. Self-Sacrificing
Self-sacrificing needs and wants is a common Giver behavior in codependent relationships. Self-sacrificing is the tendency to minimize or ignore your own wants out of fear of upsetting the other person, but ultimately can lead to high levels of frustration in the relationship and a loss of sense of self.
5. Loss of Self
Consistently sacrificing needs, or alternatively, constantly requiring someone else to tend to them, can lead to a loss of sense of self. You may no longer have a strong sense of who you are outside of the relationship or what your personal interests and goals are, and, instead, your sense of self depends entirely on what the other person thinks of you.
6. Idealization
When we idealize someone, we struggle to see them as anything other than perfect. Therefore, their attention and approval become an indicator of our own worth – so we’ll do anything in our power to achieve it.
However, the truth is that no one is perfect; we are all human and inherently flawed in some way. In codependent relationships, the fact that the other person isn’t as “perfect” as we initially believed can lead to a lack of fulfillment.
7. Resentment
When a codependent relationship has continued for some time, resentment often starts to surface. Both partners may resent their need for the other person, while simultaneously still feel like they can’t live without them. They start to recognize that they have lost their sense of self in the relationship but feel powerless over what to do about it.
Additionally, the Giver’s constant self-sacrificing might lead to further resentment and lack of fulfillment. They may recognize the efforts they’ve put into keeping the other person happy, while their own needs remain unfulfilled.
How to Overcome Codependence
How to overcome codependency may come down to the reasons why you became codependent in the first place – including the type of codependent relationship you have.
If codependency is affecting you or someone you love, therapy with a trained mental health professional can help you find yourself again. In the meantime, the following steps to overcoming codependence may help.2,5,6
1. Recognize if There’s a Problem
The first step to overcoming codependence is recognizing whether it’s a problem for you or someone you care about. The signs of codependency listed above may help you pinpoint whether codependency is an issue for you.
2. Understand Codependent vs. Healthy Relationships
The next step is to recognize the difference between codependent vs. healthy relationships. Healthy relationships have a balance of “interdependence.” Interdependence means that both partners can be dependent on each other, but still maintain healthy boundaries that promote individuality in the relationship.
In contrast, codependency has blurred boundaries – or none at all – with an unhealthy sense of involvement in each others’ lives.
3. Create Healthy Boundaries
Next, it’s important to identify and create boundaries that protect your values and needs in the relationship. Try to think about times when you become most frustrated or resentful; can you identify what it was about these times that made you feel this way?
For example, perhaps your need for affection wasn’t met because you were too busy tending to someone else’s needs. Pinpointing needs and values can help you create boundaries which can help you feel more fulfilled in the relationship.
4. Find Yourself Again
If codependency is an issue for you, you may have lost your sense of self. A great way to rediscover who you are is by engaging in hobbies or past-times that you used to enjoy – or by finding new ones. Social media is an excellent resource for finding local hobby groups, meeting new people, and learning new interests.
5. Seek Support
Codependency in relationships can be caused by early trauma, previous unhealthy relationship patterns, fears of abandonment, and poor self-concept. If you or a loved one is wondering how to break free from a codependent relationship, therapy with a trained mental health professional may be an excellent first step.
Therapy can help you address the underlying issues behind why you became codependent, as well as help you identify and meet previously unmet needs. There are a number of therapy options that can help with codependency issues, including:
- Couples Therapy: Talking about patterns of codependency in a relationship can highlight issues and help open the channels of communication – potentially leading to a more independent and respectful dynamic moving forward.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps people to identify core beliefs and automatic negative thoughts, assisting them in challenging and replacing these with more helpful, accurate ones. In turn, they can adopt more healthy relationship behaviors.
- Family Therapy: Family therapy is especially useful for codependent dynamics within the family unit. This form of therapy helps to open communication, helping all members of a family express their needs – including children.
- Trauma-Focused Therapy: This form of therapy helps to address the underlying causes behind why someone became codependent, targeting unresolved emotional wounds and how to repair these for increased resilience and independence.
When to Seek Help for Codependency
If you or someone you know is struggling with codependency to the extent that it’s affecting your mental health, support and guidance is available.
At Mission Connection, we offer comprehensive, flexible care to foster better self-concepts, independence, and relationship patterns. Our licensed, empathetic therapists and clinicians can help you understand and improve any mental health issue that is affecting your relationships and well-being – ensuring long-term success and fulfillment.
References
- Bacon, I., & Conway, J. (2023). Co-dependency and enmeshment — A fusion of concepts. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 21(6), 3594–3603. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-022-00810-4
- Hunt, J. (2013). Codependency: Balancing an unbalanced relationship (Hope for the Heart). Rose Publishing.
- Kelly, V. A. (2015). Codependency. In Addiction in the family. American Counseling Association.
- Collins, B. N. (2023). The effects of secure, ambivalent, and avoidant attachment styles on number of codependent behaviors and relationship satisfaction (Doctoral dissertation). Liberty University – Scholars Crossing. Retrieved September 2024, from https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/doctoral/4195/
- Seed, S. (2024). Codependency: Signs and symptoms. WebMD. Retrieved January 2025, from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-codependency
- Abadi, F. K. A., Vand, M. M., & Aghaee, H. (2015). Models and interventions of codependency treatment: A systematic review. Journal UMP Social Sciences and Technology Management, 3(2).
