Jealousy & Insecurity in Adults: Causes, Symptoms, and Solutions
Many of us pride ourselves on being dependable, caring, and easy to get along with. It’s these traits that show our compassionate and considerate human nature. But when these tendencies turn into a constant need to please others, they can quietly take a toll on our mental health.
People-pleasing might look like being the “go-to” person for everyone in your life, saying “yes” even when you’re exhausted, or feeling anxious at even the thought of disappointing someone. On the surface, this might seem like kindness. Underneath, though, people-pleasing is often driven by fear – of rejection, criticism, or conflict.
If fears such as rejection are taking over your relationships, a mental health professional can help you heal the deep-rooted wounds that often lie at their core. This article can also help you better understand people-pleasing behavior by focusing on:
- What people-pleasing behavior is
- The connection between mental health and people-pleasing
- Signs and causes of people-pleasing behavior
- Ways of coping with approval-seeking and people-pleasing
- Where to find professional support
- Answers to commonly asked questions about people-pleasing behaviors
What Is People-Pleasing Behavior?
In psychological terms, people-pleasing is a form of emotional overfunctioning, which can come from the desire for harmony, approval, and connection.1 Rather than expressing personal preferences or boundaries, people-pleasers tend to prioritize keeping the peace or maintaining control through compliance. This can create a pattern of self-neglect and emotional suppression that feels safe in the short term but is often damaging over time.
Simply put, while the pattern of people-pleasing can appear helpful or generous at first, it often comes at a cost. The following section explores the potential impacts of people-pleasing behavior.
The Psychological Impact of People-Pleasing
Over time, continuously trying to please others can lead to emotional exhaustion, low self-esteem, and a blurred sense of identity. This effect can make it difficult to know where you end and others begin.
When we’re constantly monitoring for others’ reactions, we often end up living in a state of heightened alertness, scanning for cues of disapproval or disappointment. Being on edge like this can activate the body’s stress response, flooding the nervous system with cortisol and adrenaline.2 Over time, this ongoing activation may lead to anxiety, fatigue, irritability, or burnout.
The mental health consequences of constant people-pleasing can be significant and include:
Anxiety and burnout: Continually striving to meet others’ expectations can lead to chronic stress and exhaustion. In other words, ongoing stress and approval-seeking can create burnout3- Depression and low self-worth: Low self-esteem and people-pleasing often occur together. When validation only comes from others, any sign of disapproval may trigger feelings of inadequacy or shame4
- Resentment and emotional fatigue: Overextending yourself for others can build quiet frustration, especially when your efforts go unnoticed or unreciprocated
- Difficulty forming authentic relationships: People-pleasers often hide parts of themselves to avoid conflict, which can create distance and a lack of genuine intimacy
In many cases, people-pleasing becomes a way to maintain control and avoid discomfort in relationships. But the more we rely on the external approval of others, the harder it becomes to trust our own needs and feelings.
Common Signs of People-Pleasing in Adults
Because the signs of people-pleasing hide behind behaviors that seem positive, like being helpful, thoughtful, and agreeable, they can be hard to identify. However, building awareness of these could help you spot the traits in yourself or someone you care about.
Some of the common signs of approval-seeking behaviors in adults include:
- Difficulty saying “no”: Agreeing to tasks, favors, or plans, even when you’re overwhelmed, or fearing that setting limits might upset others or make you seem selfish
- Chronically apologizing: Frequently saying “sorry” for small inconveniences, misunderstandings, or things outside of your control
- Going out of your way to avoid disagreement: Fearing conflict and often staying silent rather than expressing your true opinion
- Ruminating after social interactions: Replaying what was said in conversations and worrying whether you offended someone or didn’t say the “right” thing
- Taking responsibility for others’ feelings: Feeling compelled to fix others’ moods or problems, believing their comfort depends on you
- Having unmet needs: When you’re used to putting others first, you might struggle with identifying your own needs and knowing what you actually want and feel
- Going above and beyond to prove your worth: Trying to prove yourself even when no one expects you to
- Feeling guilty when you prioritize yourself: Rest, boundaries, or self-care may feel uncomfortable, as if they’re acts of neglect rather than necessity
Why Do Adults Develop People-Pleasing Behavior?
For many people, approval and people-pleasing behavior are learned behaviors; a survival strategy that formed in environments where approval, acceptance, or safety felt conditional. Over time, these continued patterns teach the nervous system that keeping others happy is the best way to avoid rejection or conflict. Therefore, what begins as self-protection can eventually turn into a deeply ingrained habit of self-abandonment.
The following are some of the common causes of people-pleasing behavior.
Early Family Dynamics
Growing up in a household where love or attention depended on performance can teach us, as children, to suppress our own needs. If we had parents who were critical, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable, that may have unintentionally reinforced the belief that being “good,” quiet, or helpful was the safest way to receive care.
Trauma Responses
People-pleasing can develop as part of the fawn response. Research suggests that fawning is a trauma reaction, especially in cases of childhood sexual abuse, where appeasing others helps avoid danger or emotional pain.6Cultural or Gender Expectations
People-pleasing behaviors can be a result of cultural or gender norms that teach people to value harmony, selflessness, and caregiving over assertiveness. Women, especially, may be taught to devalue their own ideas in favor of upholding the preferences of others or following the status quo.7 These social pressures and norms can make setting boundaries feel uncomfortable or even wrong.Personality Traits
Personality traits, like empathy, conscientiousness, and sensitivity, are typically seen as strengths. But under stress, they can tip into over-responsibility. Highly empathetic people often absorb others’ emotions, making it difficult to tolerate others’ discomfort and more likely that they’ll place others’ needs over their own.
Therapy for People-Pleasers
Overcoming codependency and people-pleasing takes time and effort. Because this pattern is often rooted in attachment, trauma, and emotional regulation, therapy plays an important role in helping people-pleasers unlearn this deeply ingrained response. Therapy can help you identify triggers, set healthy boundaries, and rebuild a sense of safety in authentic self-expression.
Below are some effective therapies for coping with approval-seeking:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Behavioral therapy strategies taught through CBT can help those stuck in people-pleasing patterns to identify and challenge the automatic thoughts that link self-worth to others’ approval. CBT also teaches people healthy ways of setting boundaries and reframing guilt around saying “no.” By identifying and challenging automatic thoughts, you can recognize your patterns, making it easier to build in healthier, more adaptive behaviors.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Poor emotional regulation and people-pleasing patterns often go hand-in-hand, as these behaviors tend to stem from an inability to manage uncomfortable emotions like fear or guilt.DBT teaches skills for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness – two key areas for those who struggle with people-pleasing.8
By learning to tolerate discomfort when asserting your needs, regulating your emotions, and communicating your needs to others, you can reduce the fear and anxiety around possibly displeasing others.
Inner Child and Attachment-Based Work
Inner child and attachment therapy help address the origins of people-pleasing behavior that occur because of early attachment wounds. These practices focus on uncovering unmet needs, healing shame, and reparenting internalized beliefs about love and safety. By acknowledging how past experiences have shaped your present-day behaviors and emotions, you can start treating yourself with more compassion and kindness.
Self-Compassion and Assertiveness Training
Many people-pleasers equate assertiveness with selfishness. Building self-compassion and assertiveness rewrites that narrative and teaches you how to validate your own emotions and normalize self-care and rest as expressions of worthiness. You can learn that saying “no” doesn’t have to mean you’re a “bad” person or that you don’t care about others. Instead, by knowing when and how to prioritize your own care, you can develop more authentic and secure relationships.9Practical Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
While behavioral therapy strategies can help you identify and understand your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, there are some everyday tools you can use to help reduce people-pleasing tendencies. Here are some strategies you could try:
- Start with small “nos” to low-stakes requests, like going to a social event, without overexplaining your reasons
- Practice pausing before agreeing to something. This gives you time to consider how the request is making you feel
- Journal about your motives. For example, “Do I want to do this, or am I afraid not to?”
- Use grounding techniques, like repeating an uplifting phrase when guilt arises
- Communicate boundaries clearly and kindly
- Surround yourself with emotionally healthy people who respect limits
Mission Connection: Recovery From People-Pleasing
At Mission Connection, we understand that people-pleasing behaviors often develop from deep emotional needs – not weakness. Our therapists can help you explore the roots of approval-seeking patterns and rebuild a sense of self-worth rooted in authenticity rather than compliance.
Through evidence-based therapy, like trauma-focused therapy, DBT, and internal family systems, we’ll help you identify patterns that might be doing you a disservice and guide you toward balanced relationships and emotional confidence.
Contact Mission Connection today to begin the process of rediscovering your authentic voice and building a life guided by self-trust, not fears.
FAQs About People-Pleasing in Adults
To help cover as many concerns and questions about people-pleasing in adults as possible, we’ve provided some responses to FAQs.
1. Is People-Pleasing a Mental Health Disorder?
No, people-pleasing itself is not considered a mental health disorder. However, it can be a sign of something more going on. For instance, people with anxiety, depression, codependency, or trauma might have a tendency for approval-seeking behaviors. So while the behavior patterns themselves aren’t necessarily a mental health condition, they could be a sign of one and deserve compassionate care.
2. Why Do I Feel Guilty When I Say “No”?
You might feel guilt when you say no because of past experiences or patterns where saying “no” did not feel safe. Further, you might be afraid of disappointing others and feel responsible for other people’s emotions and actions. This is not a sign that there’s something wrong with you; rather, it indicates that you developed techniques to help you feel safe and supported.
3. What’s the Difference Between Kindness and People-Pleasing?
Kindness is rooted in empathy and genuine care, while fear and self-doubt drive people-pleasing behaviors. When you’re kind, your actions come from choice; when you’re pleasing, your actions come from obligation or anxiety. The key difference lies in motivation – whether you’re acting from self-respect or self-protection.
4. Can People-Pleasing Be a Trauma Response?
Yes, it can be. Please-pleasing as a response to trauma is known as “fawning.” It’s a way to try to appease others and avoid conflict, especially those who may have caused (or are causing) us harm.
5. Does Mission Connection Offer Therapy for People-Pleasing Behavior?
Yes, we offer therapy for adults struggling with people-pleasing and related challenges like anxiety, perfectionism, or burnout. Using evidence-based approaches such as CBT, mindfulness-based interventions, and emotion-focused therapy, our goal is to help you rebuild self-trust, strengthen boundaries, and cultivate authentic confidence.
References
- Zarrabi, R. (2024, June 27). 7 signs that you are overfunctioning in your relationship. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mindful-dating/202406/7-signs-that-you-are-overfunctioning-in-your-relationship
- Chu, B., Marwaha, K., Sanvictores, T., Awosika, A. O., & Ayers, D. (2024, May 7). Physiology, stress reaction. StatPearls – NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK541120/
- Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103–111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311
- Deng, Y., Wang, S., Leng, L., Chen, H., Yang, T., & Liu, X. (2018). Pleasing or withdrawing: Differences between dependent and self-critical depression in psychosocial functioning following rejection. Personality and Individual Differences, 140, 4–9. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2018.02.037
- Kuang, X., Li, H., Luo, W., Zhu, J., & Ren, F. (2025). The Mental Health Implications of People‐Pleasing: Psychometric Properties and Latent Profiles of the Chinese People‐Pleasing Questionnaire. PsyCh Journal, 14(4), 500–512. https://doi.org/10.1002/pchj.70016
- Gewirtz-Meydan, A., & Godbout, N. (2023). Between pleasure, guilt, and dissociation: How trauma unfolds in the sexuality of childhood sexual abuse survivors. Child Abuse & Neglect, 141, 106195. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2023.106195
- Johnstone, J. (2025, August 26). People-pleasing linked to gender differences in problem-solving: Study. Faculty of Arts & Science. https://www.artsci.utoronto.ca/news/people-pleasing-linked-gender-differences-problem-solving-study
- Harvey, L. J., Hunt, C., & White, F. A. (2019). Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for Emotion Regulation Difficulties: A Systematic review. Behaviour Change, 36(3), 143–164. https://doi.org/10.1017/bec.2019.9
- Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J., & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-Compassion and Current Close Interpersonal Relationships: a Scoping Literature Review. Mindfulness, 12(5), 1078–1093. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01566-5