Controlling Behavior in Adults: Causes, Symptoms, and Help
Autonomy is one of our basic psychological needs because we need the freedom of choice to truly thrive.1 Yet, in some situations, it can be helpful when someone else temporarily takes the reins, especially if it makes life easier for everyone involved. But where’s the line?
The line between supportive and controlling behavior in adults can sometimes be difficult to see, particularly when the person calling the shots begins to take things too far.
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If you’re concerned about controlling behaviors in your relationship, a mental health professional can provide you with support and guidance. This page also explores controlling behavior in adults by considering:
- What controlling behaviors are
- Signs of controlling behaviors
- Causes of controlling behaviors
- How controlling behaviors affect the person being controlled
- Recognizing when you’re being controlled
- How Mission Connection can help
What Are Controlling Behaviors?
Controlling behaviors are actions that enable one person to influence or restrict how another lives or makes decisions. While they’re usually associated with romantic relationships, they can surface in any dynamic, like between friends, in the workplace, among siblings, or even between a parent and child.2
In some cases, control isn’t always a form of intended abuse and could be the result of deeper psychological issues that surface through the controlling behaviors. For instance, it could become a way to manage uncertainty or keep hold of a situation that feels unpredictable.3
However, controlling behaviors are linked to more dangerous situations, like intimate partner violence,4 which is why it’s so crucial to understand the warning signs.
Signs of controlling behaviors include 5:
- Isolation from friends and family
- Physical violence as a consequence of “rule-breaking”
- Restricted freedom of movement
- Blocked access to employment or education
- Limited access to medical care
- Financial control or restriction
- Exploitation of personal skills and resources
- Interference in daily routines and choices
What Causes Someone to Engage In Controlling Behaviors?
When someone shows controlling behaviors, there’s rarely a single explanation for why they happen. Instead, these forms of behavior often come down to mental health conditions and life experiences.
Below, we take a closer look at some of the potential causes of controlling behaviors.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
BPD is characterized by traits like emotional dysregulation and a constant fear of abandonment. These intense feelings can drive a person to act in ways that momentarily soothe inner chaos, even if these actions create more tension later. One of these ways could be attempts to control a relationship.
Unfortunately, research has shown that BPD symptoms are closely linked with partner aggression and controlling behavior. For example, in one study involving older couples, borderline traits were identified as the strongest and most consistent predictor of psychological abuse and coercion.6 Further, meta-analytic reviews also highlight that among various psychiatric diagnoses, BPD shows one of the highest correlations with intimate-partner violence.6
Clinicians describe these behaviors not as deliberate cruelty, but as desperate attempts to hold onto stability.6 When rejection feels unbearable, control can seem like protection. Therefore, anger or manipulation may surface in moments of panic rather than premeditation, yet their impact on partners can be equally damaging.
Narcissistic Personality Disorders
Research has found that pathological narcissism is significantly associated with coercive control within relationships.7 This may be because people with narcissistic personality disorders are known to view partners as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals. This sense of entitlement may make them manipulative or dismissive when their control is challenged. Such behaviors are rarely random and could be viewed as an effort to protect themselves from feeling diminished or exposed.
Depression and Anxiety
Depression and generalized anxiety are not always associated with controlling behavior, yet research suggests these conditions could play a role. Systematic reviews of intimate partner violence have found that those with diagnosed depression or anxiety disorders report higher rates of perpetration. In one large population study, men with these diagnoses were shown to have between 1.7 and 4.4 times the risk of committing IPV compared to peers.8
Also, those suffering from anxiety may seek control as a way of managing internal fear or uncertainty. Constant worry about potential loss or rejection may result in over-monitoring or excessive demands for reassurance.8
For those coping with depression, managing symptoms could cause issues like irritability or resentment, which may emerge as coercion or criticism within relationships.9
It’s important to note that these mental health conditions do not directly cause abuse. However, in some cases, they may coexist with patterns of control and aggression toward partners.8
ADHD
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may also contribute to patterns of controlling or aggressive behavior, largely due to the impulsivity and poor self-regulation that define the condition. For example, research from the same large cohort mentioned earlier found that men with an ADHD diagnosis showed a significantly higher risk of intimate partner violence.8
Other studies have identified impulsivity and irritability as key ADHD traits that could contribute to domestic violence. For instance, sudden emotional reactions or frustration intolerance can escalate into controlling outbursts, sometimes occurring before the person has time to process the consequences.9
How Can Controlling Behaviors Affect the Person Being Controlled?
While it may not feel like it in the moment, controlling behaviors can affect the person on the receiving end in nearly every part of their life. Below, we look at research highlighting the effect it can have on three key areas: psychological well-being, physical health, and overall life impact.
The Psychological Impact of Controlling Behaviors in Adults
The following are potential psychological effects of controlling behaviors:
Post-Traumatic Stress
Fear can become a constant companion when someone feels watched or restricted, causing victims to feel terrified of small mistakes or rule-breaks.10 Even without physical violence, the emotional tension of control can cause genuine trauma that meets the criteria for PTSD.11
Depression
Living under control can drain every part of a person’s motivation, and it’s very easy to see why. Issues like repeated humiliation and forced submission could lead to feelings of worthlessness and despair12. Research shows that such experiencing controlling behavior can directly contribute to the development of depression 10.
Loss of Self-Esteem
Emotional control isn’t always an easy-to-see “explosion” and usually happens over a period of time, until eventually, the person starts believing the negative things they’re told. For instance, victims sometimes describe feeling “brainwashed” or hollow, reflecting findings that show a significant drop in self-esteem and emotional safety in controlling relationships.11
Sleep Disturbances
Victims of coercive control are far more likely to struggle with insomnia, night terrors, or panic episodes, and overall poor sleep hygiene.12 In fact, one study found that recurring nightmares were especially common among victims who had lived with prolonged coercion.12
Physical health
The following are potential psychological effects of controlling behaviors:
Increased Injury and Violence Risk
Women with controlling partners were found to be more than three times as likely to experience later physical or sexual violence than women in relationships without coercion.13 Plus, survivors of coercive control were also twice as likely to miss work due to injuries or related distress.12
Chronic Health Conditions
The stress of living under control can create long-term health issues such as headaches, high blood pressure, heart problems, and weakened immunity. Further, research involving male victims showed that severe PTSD symptoms linked to coercive control can suppress immune function for several years.14
Overall life impact
Beyond the psychological and physical effects, controlling behavior can change the structure of daily life itself. Below, we explore the areas that could be most affected:
Isolation
Many victims become cut off from friends and family, sometimes by force, sometimes through pressure. Without this support, reality becomes shaped by the controller’s version of events, leaving victims feeling dependent and unsure who to trust.15
Loss of Autonomy
Studies show that people under coercive control tend to lose decision-making power in key areas such as finances and even personal routines. Even simple actions like leaving home or choosing what to wear can be dictated by the controller, leading to feelings of helplessness and disconnection.12
Reduced Quality of Life
Research shows significantly lower levels of self-worth, satisfaction, and overall well-being among those who have been controlled by a partner.12 Many victims describe feeling unsafe in their own homes and exhausted by constant anxiety and control.
Work and Financial Instability
The stress of control can affect concentration and reliability at work, with victims shown to take more sick days and experience greater financial insecurity due to missed opportunities.12
If you’ve noticed any of these signs in your own life and have a gut feeling that something isn’t quite right in your relationship, it may help to look a little deeper at what’s really going on.
Am I Being Controlled?
If you’ve started to feel like your freedom or confidence is shrinking around someone, it may help to pause and look at the situation more closely.
Controlling behaviors can build up gradually, which may make them harder to recognize at first. For instance, you might tell yourself they’re only being protective or that all relationships require compromise, but when these compromises start erasing your independence, something might not be right.
A short self-assessment questionnaire can help you see if what’s happening could be a sign of control rather than care. The following questions, for example, might give you some insight.
Do you…
- Feel nervous about making choices because you’re worried about how someone will react?
- Find yourself explaining or justifying your actions more than feels normal?
- Notice them checking on your whereabouts or who you’re speaking to?
- Feel that your opinions are regularly dismissed?
- Feel uneasy spending time with others because it might cause tension?
- Alter your behavior to avoid conflict with the other person?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, it doesn’t confirm anything right now, but it could mean the situation deserves attention. Speaking with a mental health professional may help you see the pattern more clearly and work out what support you need.
Should I Seek Treatment if I’m in a Controlling Relationship?
If controlling behaviors are starting to become more obvious to you, or you’ve experienced any mental health or physical issues as a result of them, it’s important to reach out for help.
In no scenario should you have to simply cope with controlling tendencies in your life, and your mental and physical health is of utmost importance.
By reaching out for help, you open the door to receiving treatment in the form of behavioral therapy for controlling behavior. Here, you’ll be able to address any issues that have arisen from experiencing control, such as stress, anxiety, and depression, while also having the space to practice emotional regulation strategies.
Additionally, the person showing these types of controlling behaviors can also receive the support they may need to address the behaviors they’re showing. As discussed, studies show that in some cases, these types of behaviors are reactions to psychiatric conditions like anxiety, stress, trauma, NPD, BPD, and attachment issues in adults.
Therefore, by offering support for controlling adults, the roots of the issue can be addressed, allowing the person to learn and begin overcoming controlling habits. However, if you feel like addressing the issue with someone could put you in harm’s way, it’s best to protect yourself first and foremost.
If you need extra support and guidance, the Domestic Violence hotline (call 1 800 799 7233 or text or text “START” to 88788) can help. You don’t need to be physically abused to reach out.
Mission Connection: Expert Support For The Effects of Controlling Relationships
If you’ve been struggling with the effects of a relationship grounded in control, know that there’s help available out there for you. It can be difficult to know where or who to turn to if you’re in this situation, especially as it can feel so isolating.
At Mission Connection, we understand how deep the roots of being in a controlling relationship can dig. This is why we offer behavioral therapies for the victims of controlling behaviors, as well as offering the “controller” therapy for interpersonal control.
We have a long history in treating many of the issues that cause controlling behaviors, as well as those that may be caused directly by the behaviors. These include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- ADHD
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Personality Disorders
- Trauma-related issues
- And more.
Our facilities are located across the US, and offer both intensive outpatient (IOP) and partial hospitalisation (PHP) options depending on your level of need.
If the facilities are out of reach, or perhaps your life responsibilities make attending in person restrictive, we also offer a telehealth option. This allows you to join sessions via your smartphones and tablets.
Reach out to Mission Connection today and take the first step toward freeing yourself from the need for constant validation and discovering the confidence that comes from within.
References
- Coxen, L., van der Vaart, L., Van den Broeck, A., & Rothmann, S. (2021). Basic Psychological Needs in the Work Context: A Systematic Literature Review of Diary Studies. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.698526
- Brooton-Brookes, M. (2025, May 12). 10 Signs Someone Is Being Controlling. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/controlling-personality-5218251
- Mansell, W., & Marken, R. S. (2015). The Origins and Future of Control Theory in Psychology. Review of General Psychology, 19(4), 425–430. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000057
- Aizpurua, E., Copp, J., Ricarte, J. J., & Vázquez, D. (2017). Controlling Behaviors and Intimate Partner Violence Among Women in Spain: An Examination of Individual, Partner, and Relationship Risk Factors for Physical and Psychological Abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36(1-2), 088626051772374. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260517723744
- Bedriye Mermerci Başkan, & Alkan, Ö. (2023). Determinants of intimate partner controlling behavior targeting women in Türkiye. Frontiers in Psychology, 14. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1174143
- South, S. C., Boudreaux, M. J., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2021). Personality disorders and intimate partner aggression: A replication and extension in older, married couples. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 12(1), 70–80. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000458
- J. S. Day, N., Kealy, D., Biberdzic, M., Green, A., Denmeade, G., & Grenyer, Brin F. S. (2025). Coercive Control and Intimate Partner Violence: Relationship With Personality Disorder Severity and Pathological Narcissism. Personality and Mental Health, 19(4). https://doi.org/10.1002/pmh.70038
- Yu, R., Nevado-Holgado, A. J., Molero, Y., D’Onofrio, B. M., Larsson, H., Howard, L. M., & Fazel, S. (2019). Mental disorders and intimate partner violence perpetrated by men towards women: A Swedish population-based longitudinal study. PLOS Medicine, 16(12). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1002995
- Bryant, V., Wickrama, K. A. S., O’Neal, C. W., & Lorenz, F. O. (2017). Family hostility and depressive symptoms in middle-aged couples: Moderating effect of marital integration. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 765–774. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000306
- Saylor, K. E., & Amann, B. H. (2016). Impulsive Aggression as a Comorbidity of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Children and Adolescents. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology, 26(1), 19–25. https://doi.org/10.1089/cap.2015.0126
- Lohmann, S., Cowlishaw, S., Ney, L., O’Donnell, M., & Felmingham, K. (2023). The Trauma and Mental Health Impacts of Coercive Control: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(1), 630–647. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972
- Lortkipanidze, M., Javakhishvili, N., & Schwartz, S. J. (2025). Mental health of intimate partner violence victims: depression, anxiety, and life satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 16. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1531783
- Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2024). Coercive control victimisation (CFCA Paper 2311). https://aifs.gov.au/sites/default/files/2024-02/2311_CFCA_Coercive-control-victimisation.pdf
- Antai, D. (2011). Controlling behavior, power relations within intimate relationships and intimate partner physical and sexual violence against women in Nigeria. BMC Public Health, 11(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-2458-11-511
- Graham-Kevan, N., Powney, D., & Mankind Initiative. (2021). Male Victims of Coercive Control Experiences and Impact. Mankind.org.uk. https://www.mankind.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Male-Victims-of-Coercive-Control-2021.pdf#:~:text=distress%20%28Weiss%20%26%20Marmar%2C%201996%29,years%20after%20the%20impact%20event