Family Enmeshment: How to Heal From Attachment Issues
Closeness within families is typically a good thing, with most depictions of “unhealthy” families being those that are distant or uncaring. However, extreme closeness isn’t always positive.
When family members are too close, they may actually be enmeshed. This is when there’s a lack of boundaries, and family members are overly fused together emotionally. When families are over-dependent in this way, it can prevent people from being in touch with their own identities and regulating their emotions in healthy ways.1
Family enmeshment is a classic cause of attachment issues, often causing people to suffer with their mental health and have higher levels of conflict in relationships.2
Despite these issues, enmeshment from parent-child relationships can be healed. A mental health professional can advise you if you feel you’re struggling with family enmeshment and attachment issues. Plus, to inform you thoroughly about this topic, this article will explore:
- Enmeshment and attachment issues in family dynamics
- Signs of enmeshment
- The impacts of enmeshment in adulthood
- How individuals and families can heal from enmeshment trauma
What Are Healthy Family Bonds?
In a secure family, there are boundaries, clear roles, and healthy emotional regulation. Plus, when we’re taken care of in a secure way, our needs are met, and we develop a consistent and clear sense of self.1 In such environments, children can successfully grow up and “individuate” from their parents. In other words, they develop their own individual identity and are in touch with their dreams, preferences, and emotional lives.
Adults who have grown up in secure homes tend to be better at managing their emotions during times of stress. They also tend to have more successful relationships and even have better levels of physical health. This is because of a process in psychology known as “differentiation.”2
When someone has differentiated, they’re able to be emotionally objective – they understand that their feelings are their own, separate from those of others. This is an optimal mindset to have when navigating conflict. For instance, a differentiated adult is usually able to take accountability when they’ve done something wrong, but not be plagued by guilt unnecessarily. Equally, they’re capable of expressing that someone has hurt them without assigning excessive blame and aggression.2
Even when pressured to do otherwise, a differentiated adult will remain true to their conviction. For example, they’ll follow their gut and take their dream job even if a friend doesn’t believe it will work out.2
To put it as simply as possible, in a secure family, parents are parents and children are children. In these dynamics, the parent-child relationship isn’t friendship, and children do not take care of their parents. Unfortunately, families don’t always work this way. When bonds between family members are insecure and the roles are blurred, it can sometimes result in enmeshment.
What Is Enmeshment?
In psychology, family enmeshment is when there’s excessive emotional involvement and closeness between family members. This closeness can result in individuals lacking their own personal identities because their feelings, dreams, and decisions are dictated by the enmeshed relationships.1
We can visualize enmeshment like a Venn diagram whereby circles overlap in the following ways:
- In secure dynamics, the circles are separate and do not touch. Each person has a clear identity and looks within themselves to process their emotions, make decisions, and sense their own opinions.
- In enmeshment, the circles overlap partially or totally. These individuals look to those with whom they’re enmeshed to make decisions, filter their opinions, and regulate emotions.
As a result of such overlaps, enmeshed family members are typically very involved in each other’s problems and lives. When someone’s enmeshed and their sense of self is underdeveloped, they’re less autonomous. They’re more easily influenced by the opinions of other people, swaying big life decisions like career moves.2
There also tends to be an emphasis on meeting other people’s needs in enmeshed families. This is because enmeshed children are often brought up to focus excessively on their parents’ needs and self-sacrifice. Usually, this happens when caregivers are needy, ill, or childlike themselves. They may have “parentified” their children, which is when children are called upon to take on responsibilities like emotional support, household chores, or looking after siblings.1
And finally, caregivers who are domineering and controlling can cause their children to bottle up their feelings and opinions. As a result, these children may believe that expressing their feelings will result in rejection, punishment, or abandonment.1
What Is the Root Cause of Enmeshment?
Enmeshment is ultimately caused by a lack of boundaries. This could be:
- Children being called upon to provide their parents with emotional support
- Parents not giving their children privacy
- Children being pressured to follow their parents’ career footsteps
- Parents being emotionally immature, for example, using silent treatment or manipulation
- Children’s independent achievements not being celebrated or acknowledged
- Parents pressuring teenagers to constantly spend time at home
In the minds of young children, a lack of boundaries fails to distinguish “self” from “others.” As they grow up, they’re not given the opportunity to feel their own feelings or thoughts because enmeshed parents don’t allow them to be autonomous.
Children who are emotionally abused and neglected often suffer profound impacts on their beliefs about the world, themselves, and other people. For example, they may develop the beliefs that their feelings don’t matter, they’re responsible for other people’s happiness, and that saying “no” will result in rejection. Self-beliefs like these are part of being enmeshed. In some cases, abused children may believe themselves to be inadequate and therefore that their suffering is deserved.1
Enmeshment and Emotional Regulation Problems
Unfortunately, enmeshment can cause emotional regulation problems. Bowen family systems theory, a theory of human behavior, identified three problematic family dynamics that enmeshed families use to handle moments of vulnerability. These are emotional fusion, emotional reactivity, and emotional cutoff.2
- Fusion is when two or more people’s emotions and needs blur together. One family member’s mood can influence everyone else’s, and decisions are made to preserve family harmony more than anything else.
- Reactivity refers to when people have strong automatic responses to other people’s moods or needs. They might snap, leave the room, or become extremely defensive.
- Cutoff is when someone abandons conflict. They may use the silent treatment or change the subject to avoid facing what’s going on.
These responses are driven by fear of intimacy.2 They send the message to children that conflict and emotional discomfort are not ok. To sum it up, parents in enmeshed families often fail to demonstrate healthy emotional regulation to their children, instead relying on the tactics above.
Signs of Enmeshment
When you come from an enmeshed family, there are typically certain signs that you can spot in yourself and family dynamics. For example, children from enmeshed families may feel:
- They must hide their true feelings and opinions to avoid punishment and keep the peace
- Disconnected from themselves and their true aspirations
- A pressure to take care of their parents
- They’re always providing emotional support for their parents
- Guilty if they don’t keep in constant contact
- Strongly influenced by their parents’ opinions
These feelings tend to stem from unspoken “rules” that everyone abides by. Rules of enmeshed families may include:
- Family members must rely on each other, and no one else
- Having personal boundaries is unacceptable
- We tell each other everything, and nothing is inappropriate
- Everyone must approve of what you do with your life
Recognizing the signs that you come from an enmeshed family can be distressing, but increasing your awareness is the first step in healing.
Impacts of Enmeshment
Enmeshment can have significant impacts on children that continue into adulthood if healing isn’t experienced. The deepest impacts are usually felt on an emotional level because a lack of emotional boundaries is key to enmeshment.
One potential impact is that children of emotionally immature parents may feel responsible for the feelings of others. They may have been told things like, “I’m jealous you’re doing so well in science class,” or “I’m sad that you want to hang out with your friends instead of me.” Such messages can cause children to purposely fail or change their behavior to pacify their parents’ negative feelings. They’re also more likely to:
- Suffer from depression and anxiety
- Struggle with separation from loved ones
- Mix up their own emotions with those of others
- Use possessiveness, jealousy, and coercive control in relationships
- Have a harder time socially and at work
- Seek the approval of other people
- Not speak up for themselves
- Fall into codependent relationships
Even though the impacts of enmeshment run deeply, they can be healed. Recovering from enmeshment will typically involve looking into attachment theory, as the two are connected.
Enmeshment and Insecure Attachment
Attachment theory explores the bonds we form with our caregivers in early childhood. When caregivers are inconsistent, emotionally neglectful, and even frightening, it can cause children to develop insecure attachment styles. These are anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Enmeshment is more likely to arise in families with insecure attachment because emotions typically aren’t dealt with in healthy ways. For example, parents in enmeshed families may dismiss their children’s needs when they draw attention away from their own. This can cause children to be either anxiously or avoidantly attached.
In other families, enmeshment may cause children to have very low self-esteem if their parents don’t value them as individuals – characteristic of insecure attachment. Research also finds that anxiously attached people are more likely to try to enmesh with others; so, parents of enmeshed families are more likely to be anxious than avoidant.3
In contrast, secure families give children a clear sense of self, whereby they feel rooted in the knowledge of who they are as a person. They know that their emotional needs are valid and will be taken care of, cultivating a secure style of attachment.
Treatment: Breaking Free From Family Enmeshment
Healing attachment wounds from enmeshed families involves learning to set boundaries and discovering personal goals, interests, and values. It also supports people in discovering more about their emotional life; for instance, learning to stop feeling guilty and responsible for the feelings of others.
Enmeshment trauma therapy also tends to look a lot at attachment styles. In attachment work, people explore their sense of self-worth, how they handle emotional intimacy, and how much they trust other people. A therapist can help develop new strategies for relating to others and increase awareness of how the past is shaping the present.
If your family wants to heal together, there is effective mental health treatment for enmeshed families. For instance, family systems therapy is a well-known treatment for enmeshment. Instead of focusing on the individual, the systemic approach focuses on the relationships. It can treat relational problems like divorce, conflict between couples, and discord between family members from different generations.2
Family system’s approach is useful because it doesn’t assign blame to specific family members. Instead, you can develop constructive ways of handling future family emotions, conflicts, and decisions.
Mission Connection: Get Support for Enmeshment Today
Therapy for enmeshment trauma can take many forms. The most important thing is that you feel safe and supported in the therapeutic relationship. At Mission Connection, we offer a range of therapies and personalize your treatment plan to your specific needs. Get in touch to learn about our services and how our team of professionals can help you move past family enmeshment and attachment trauma issues.
References
- Baroncelli, C. M. C., Lodder, P., van der Lee, M., & Bachrach, N. (2025). The role of enmeshment and undeveloped self, subjugation and self-sacrifice in childhood trauma and attachment related problems: The relationship with self-concept clarity. Acta Psychologica, 254, 104839. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2025.104839
- Calatrava, M., Martins, M. V., Schweer-Collins, M., Duch-Ceballos, C., & Rodríguez-González, M. (2022). Differentiation of self: a Scoping Review of Bowen Family Systems Theory’s Core Construct. Clinical Psychology Review, 91(1). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102101
- Ginalska, K., & Cichopek, A. (2025). Attachment styles, maladaptive cognitive schemas, and relationship satisfaction: A multilevel analysis of romantic relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 247, 113380. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2025.113380
