Attachment Styles and Perfectionism: How Attachment Affects Perfectionism and High-Functioning Anxiety
Perfectionism is a multi-dimensional personality style, impacting the way we think about and present ourselves to the world. People who meet the “perfectionist” label typically experience a harsh inner critic and hold extremely high standards for things like achievements, relationships, appearance, and health.
Unfortunately, perfectionism makes children and adults vulnerable to mental health problems for a variety of reasons. For example, perfectionist thoughts and behaviors can cause anxiety or lead people to feel socially disconnected.3
To better understand perfectionism, it may be helpful to look at attachment theory. At first glance, this theory is concerned with how our childhood bonds with caregivers influence how we act in adult relationships. However, it also has a lot to do with self-esteem, feeling as though we’re not “enough,” and avoiding weakness, which are fundamental to perfectionism.
If you’re concerned that perfectionistic traits are affecting your well-being, a mental health professional can provide support and guidance. This article can also help you better understand perfectionism and its connection to attachment by exploring:
- What perfectionism is and its signs
- The impacts of perfectionism on mental health
- How insecure attachment styles may result in perfectionism
- The ways perfectionism can show up for different attachment styles
- The impact of perfectionism on relationships
- How perfectionism and anxiety can be treated
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism can be understood as a personality style, as it impacts how we think about ourselves as people and present ourselves to the outside world.3
Additionally, it’s too limiting to think about perfectionism as a single personality trait because it has many dimensions. Unlike the personality traits of “neatness” or “conscientiousness,” perfectionism can involve multiple patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. For example, perfectionism may drive someone to redraft an email multiple times, ruminate over imagined judgments from others, or feel extremely downtrodden after being criticized.
Perfectionism can show up in three main ways, with people usually leaning into one more than others. These are:1
- Self-oriented perfectionism: Having high standards for yourself
- Other-oriented perfectionism: Having high standards for other people
- Socially-prescribed perfectionism: Feeling that others have high standards for you
Regardless of which type of perfectionism someone has, it typically impacts the way they present themselves to other people. For instance, they may:1
- Actively promote their “perfect” qualities to other people (such as bragging about academic achievements)
- Avoid revealing their flaws through behavior or appearance (for example, never hosting guests at home because it could expose their “imperfect” house)
- Avoid verbally admitting “imperfections” (for instance, not telling anyone about not succeeding at a job interview)
Sometimes, wanting to strive for the best is a good thing; it can motivate us to push that little bit harder and achieve something we’ve wanted for a long time. However, perfectionism can be problematic. Next, we’ll explore the signs that someone’s perfectionism has gone too far.
Signs of Perfectionism
Someone might be suffering from intense perfectionist expectations if they:
- Struggle to prioritize tasks because they can’t let anything be “unimportant”
- Have low self-esteem
- Persistently commit to over-delivering on their responsibilities
- Only focus on results
- Avoid taking action unless they’re 100% confident they’ll succeed
- Think in an “all or nothing” way
- Become angry at other people for falling short of certain standards
- Don’t talk about their “failures”
- Spend a great deal of time planning, organizing, or tidying
- Consistently turn up late because they take a long time to get ready
Unfortunately, these perfectionistic tendencies can cause disconnection. A perfectionist’s behavior may end up creating distance in relationships and prevent them from getting the social support they really need.1 This can have significant impacts on mental health, which we’ll explore next.
Perfectionism and Mental Health
Perfectionism can make it very difficult for teenagers and adults to adjust to the demands of life because it can disrupt their emotions, thinking, and behavior.1
For instance, perfectionism can cause people to have certain automatic thoughts and beliefs about themselves and the attainment of perfection. These could be thoughts like I must get full marks on this exam or I never work hard enough. Inner dialogue like this can dominate someone’s inner world, creating an extremely harsh and critical mental space.3
Plus, if perfectionism takes over someone’s inner narrative, emotional regulation won’t have much room for things like rest and processing mistakes, disappointment, or weaknesses. As a result, perfectionism can have a big impact on mental health. For example, research finds perfectionist people are more at risk of lacking social support, developing anxiety and depression, and struggling with suicidal thoughts.1
The Link Between Perfectionism and Anxiety
Anxiety and perfectionism are highly linked in a number of ways. For example, research finds that people with socially prescribed perfectionism are most likely to experience daily social anxiety. They’re, therefore, driven to take actions that prevent people from seeing their flaws (rather than bragging about their achievements).5 This form of behavior could lead to high-functioning anxiety.
It’s good to note that high-functioning anxiety is not a distinct diagnosis. Instead, the term is used to describe people who are often very successful at work, school, or relationships, despite having anxiety symptoms. People with high-functioning anxiety may share many of the signs of perfectionism, experiencing feelings of self-doubt and fearing that they’ll not meet expectations.
Such people may appear to have everything “together,” but within, they’re often tormented by persistent self-criticism and have difficulty relaxing. Recovering from these challenges first requires an understanding of their root causes, which we’ll explore next.
What Causes Perfectionism?
The causes of perfectionism aren’t fully understood, but many experts believe that the parenting style people grow up with is very influential. For example, shaming, intrusive parenting, withdrawal of love, and forms of neglect could foster perfectionist beliefs in children.1
Perfectionist people may believe others will only care for and accept them if they’re perfect. So, we can deduce that their perfectionism is attempting to meet a need to feel a sense of belonging and connection with others.1 Again, this need to belong could come from the early years.3
For this reason, it’s useful to think about perfectionism alongside attachment theory because this theory is concerned with how our early bonds impact relationships, self-esteem, and sense of worthiness.
What Is Attachment?
As infants, we form attachments to our primary caregivers as we’re dependent on them for survival, support, and development. Regardless of how our caregivers behave, we form a bond with them. However, their caregiving style influences the type of bond or attachment we develop. This is why attachment theory defines four styles of attachment:
Secure attachment is formed when caregivers consistently meet a child’s needs and bids for attention. As a consequence, secure adults feel confident that close relationships can meet their emotional needs.2
Insecure attachments are formed when we experience an inconsistent, rejecting, or chaotic style of caregiving. For instance, anxious attachment is created when caregiving is sometimes sensitive and sometimes absent. In contrast, avoidant attachment develops when caregiving is distant or disengaged. Disorganized attachment is caused by a caregiving style that is not only inconsistent but also sometimes frightening.2
Some experts suggest that children experience feelings of self-doubt, disconnection, and hopelessness when they have a poor parental relationship. They hypothesize that children develop an excessive need to be “perfect” and hide “imperfections” to cope with their feelings of inferiority.1
In other words, those who are insecurely attached are at greater risk of developing perfectionist tendencies because low self-esteem makes recognizing any slight flaw or failure extremely painful.1
How Attachment Affects Perfectionism
Ultimately, perfectionists feel socially disconnected, and this drives their behavior. This sense of disconnection may be driven by their attachment style.3
A concise way of understanding attachment styles and how they affect how people relate to others is as follows:4
- Secure: Positive view of self and others
- Anxious: Negative view of self, positive view of others
- Avoidant: Positive view of self (to accommodate for low self-esteem), negative view of others
- Disorganized: Negative view of self and others
We’ll now explore how anxious and avoidant perfectionists may behave, driven by their different feelings about themselves and others. We only provide descriptions of how perfectionism relates to anxious and avoidant traits, as the characteristics of disorganized attachment tend to alternate between both depending on circumstances.
Perfectionism and Anxious Attachment
As mentioned, anxious attachment is caused by caregiving that is sometimes sensitive and responsive, and other times disengaged. If reparative relationships aren’t experienced, as adults, someone with this attachment style may feel unworthy of love. They may have fears of abandonment and rely too much on other people for reassurance and validation.2
In fact, anxious attachment may be the “perfect storm” for developing perfectionistic tendencies because of the need for approval, fear of negative judgment, and excessive self-consciousness associated with it. People who struggle with these traits are at risk of being very self-critical and taking measures to prevent people from rejecting them.1
People with this attachment style may even feel internally conflicted between seeking reassurance for their perceived shortcomings and a desire to hide their “flaws” from others. They may also be driven by the belief that other people have high expectations of them, so perfectionism becomes a way for them to gain approval.
Perfectionism and Avoidant Attachment
The idea that someone with avoidant attachment thinks positively about themselves but negatively about others is a very simplistic summary. It doesn’t mean that they’re full of self-confidence and think they’re better than other people. Instead, this description could signify that people with this style believe that it’s safer to be alone and rely on themselves because others can’t be trusted to meet their needs.
For someone with avoidant attachment, perfectionism may appear in their need for self-sufficiency, not admitting weaknesses, and wanting to appear very controlled and confident. In other words, perfectionism may protect people with this attachment style from vulnerability.
Perfectionism in Relationships
Insecure attachment styles pose a number of challenges for relationships, particularly romantic ones. Plus, if perfectionism is also at play, this may add another layer of challenging beliefs and behaviors to dynamics.
For example, someone could have perfectionist beliefs about love and being a good partner, thinking:
- I should never do anything to make things difficult for my relationship
- I must always meet my partner’s needs
- My partner must always meet my needs
- My partner will be disappointed if I’m not perfect
- The partner I choose must meet society’s standards
Such beliefs could be at the root of many relationship conflicts and misunderstandings, particularly if either partner finds it difficult to communicate what’s driving them.
Additionally, if someone always hides their imperfections, a partner may feel distance and wish for a closer connection. Or, someone’s harsh self-criticism could make a partner feel like they’re incapable of helping and providing support.
In order to overcome perfectionism in relationships, partners should aim to increase their self-awareness and engage in open communication. However, therapy may be needed to deconstruct perfectionist beliefs if they are particularly concrete.
Treating Perfectionism and Anxiety
Perfectionism and anxiety treatment can take many forms. For instance, perfectionism therapy programs involving group support may be useful, as they give people the chance to talk to others impacted by the same rigid beliefs. In fact, research finds that increased social support can help perfectionists heal from feelings of depression.1
Alternatively, attachment-based therapy for perfectionism may be helpful if traits stem from an insecure attachment style. It allows people to investigate the messages they received in early childhood that led them to develop perfectionistic beliefs.
Finally, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be extremely useful in reframing automatic beliefs and thoughts about worthiness, judgment, and success. CBT treatment typically involves engaging in behaviors that help challenge these beliefs, giving people evidence to disprove them.
Mission Connection: Therapy For Perfectionism and Anxiety
While people often judge perfectionism as a positive trait, it can create constant feelings of pressure and overwhelm for those with it. If you or someone you know is battling with perfectionism, anxiety, or insecure attachment, Mission Connection can help.
Mental health help for perfectionism can be highly successful in identifying its causes and developing new coping strategies. Our team of trained professionals offers a wide range of therapy options to support your recovery – and each treatment package is tailored to someone’s unique needs.
Get in touch to learn about our treatment options today.
References
- Chen, C., Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., Cassels, T. G., Birch, S., & Blasberg, J. S. (2012). Insecure attachment, perfectionistic self-presentation, and social disconnection in adolescents. Personality and Individual Differences, 52(8), 936–941. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2012.02.009
- Santoro, G., Costanzo, A., Franceschini, C., Lenzo, V., Musetti, A., & Schimmenti, A. (2024). Insecure Minds through the Looking Glass: The Mediating Role of Mentalization in the Relationships between Adult Attachment Styles and Problematic Social Media Use. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 21(3), 255. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph21030255
- Ko, A., Hewitt, P. L., Chen, C., & Flett, G. L. (2019). Perfectionism as a mediator between attachment and depression in children and adolescents. Perspectives on Early Childhood Psychology and Education, 4(2), 181–200. https://hewittlab.sites.olt.ubc.ca/files/2020/06/Perfectionism-as-a-Mediator-Between-Attachement-and-Depression-in-Children-and-Adolescents.pdf
- Leiter, M. P., Day, A., & Price, L. (2015). Attachment styles at work: Measurement, collegial relationships, and burnout. Burnout Research, 2(1), 25–35. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.burn.2015.02.003
- Kehayes, I.-L. L., & Mackinnon, S. P. (2019). Investigating the Relationship Between Perfectionistic Self-Presentation and Social Anxiety Using Daily Diary Methods: A Replication. Collabra: Psychology, 5(1), 33. https://doi.org/10.1525/collabra.257
