Healing Attachment: How to Improve Your Relationships
How we feel in close relationships has a lot to do with our attachment style. How comfortable are you with vulnerability? Does conflict make you withdraw or move towards your partner? Are you prone to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness?
Sometimes we feel stuck in relationship patterns, like wondering why we tend to choose the same “type” of partner and end up feeling the same way as before. If you feel this way, you’re not alone; attachment insecurity can cause rigid beliefs and actions that can be tough to break out of.
Fortunately, healing attachment wounds for better relationships is possible. With self-compassion and a little bit of bravery, you can overcome insecure attachment patterns and have more satisfying relationships.
Whether you make a recovery plan for yourself at home or seek out attachment-focused mental health treatment from a therapist, we’ll give you a roadmap for healing insecure attachment. This article will explore:
- How attachment impacts relationships
- What healing attachment insecurity involves
- Healing for different attachment styles
- Types of therapy for healing attachment issues
How Relationships Are Impacted by Attachment
The attachments we form to romantic partners are often determined by the relationships we had with our parents in childhood. The child-caregiver bond creates a mental framework about ourselves and others, informing how we feel in close relationships as adults. These frameworks are also known as “attachment styles.”1
The four attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (fearful avoidant in adults). The final three are grouped together as “insecure” styles and are caused by inconsistent, dismissive, or chaotic styles of caregiving. The following is a quick breakdown of the four attachment styles:
- Secure caregiving instills confidence in children that their emotional needs will be met in close relationships. Adults with this style are typically comfortable with asking for support, giving support, and being vulnerable.
- Anxious attachment results from inconsistent caregiving. Those with this style tend to have low self-worth and need lots of reassurance in romantic relationships.
- Avoidantly attachment is caused by needs being dismissed or rejected in childhood – especially emotional ones. Adults with this style tend to withdraw from intimacy and vulnerability, preferring to look after themselves.
- Disorganized attachment is caused by chaotic or fearful parenting. As a result, children both fear and desire closeness with their caregiver. As an adult, it can cause people to act in both anxious and avoidant ways, depending on the circumstances.
It’s clear that the different attachment styles can have a big impact on closeness, emotional vulnerability, and support seeking. These elements of a relationship are vital; so, attachment has a big influence over romantic dynamics.
Additionally, research finds that in couples with insecure attachment styles, sex may be motivated by a need for reassurance or distance from other forms of intimacy. As a result, insecure attachment styles can get in the way of people experiencing fully satisfying sexual encounters.2
Attachment and Jealousy
Relationships between insecurely attached people are also more likely to involve jealousy. In particular, those with an anxious attachment style are most likely to experience jealous thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They may be driven by a strong fear of rejection and a huge desire for love and reassurance. Plus, their fear of losing their partner can increase feelings of jealousy.5
While avoidantly attached individuals may be equally as likely to experience jealous thoughts, they’re less likely to act on these worries compared to anxiously attached partners.5 Further fearful avoidant attachment can mean that someone alternates between acting on feelings of jealousy and withdrawing.
What Does Healing Attachment Insecurity Involve?
Healing insecure attachment involves many different stages that target different issues. As a rough guide, you can anticipate the following:
Talking About The Past
Since relationship struggles can stem from attachment trauma, it’s useful to delve into childhood experiences of caregiving. Talking about these early memories may be painful, but it’s key to understanding the present moment. Expect to reflect on your parents’ behavior, but also on that of any other caregivers, like nannies or grandparents.
Reflecting on Current Events
Another way to develop secure attachment is by reflecting on current life events and situations that trigger your attachment insecurities. These could be conflicts with your partner, hostility with colleagues, or tension with your parents. Discussing these events in a therapeutic environment can enable you to unpack what’s going on and understand how your past is impacting your present.
Reworking Unhelpful Thoughts
Attachment healing techniques vary across different types of therapy, and some might involve reworking unhelpful thoughts. For example, insecure attachments can lead people to be driven by thoughts like:
- No one loves me
- I’m better off alone
- I always push people away
- My partner will leave me eventually
A therapist may gently challenge thoughts like these, encouraging you to consider evidence that disproves them. By doing so, you’ll be better able to interrupt future thoughts of attachment insecurity, identify your feelings, and change your course of action.
Cultivating a Secure Inner Base
Developing a secure attachment style takes time. It requires self-compassion, increased communication, emotional processing, and exposure to some uncomfortable situations. We explore this further in the next section.
Part of the healing process is learning to communicate from a secure place. This is when someone’s being honest, listening actively, taking responsibility for their own feelings and actions, and working towards solutions.
Healing for Different Attachment Styles
While the steps above are a general guide to developing secure attachment, the specific steps in your healing will differ depending on your attachment style. For example:
- Healing avoidant attachment may involve practicing being vulnerable in your close relationships. Gradually, you’ll become more comfortable with sharing your needs and allowing people to be there for you. This can improve your ability to trust and get your needs met in close relationships.3
- Healing anxious attachment might require practicing self-soothing techniques, increasing your ability to reassure yourself. In addition, you’ll benefit from exploring insecurities and increasing self-confidence to help increase your sense of self-worth.3
- Healing disorganized attachment often requires a mixture of techniques, as someone with this style is typically used to engaging in both anxious and avoidant behaviors.
In addition, all attachment styles benefit from dating someone who’s securely attached. Though this isn’t something you can summon at the drop of a hat, you shouldn’t believe yourself to be unworthy of a secure partner. They’ll be able to provide consistent emotional support and give you the patience you need to heal your attachment issues.
Types of Therapy for Insecure Attachment
Mental health support for attachment healing can take many forms. The best option for you will depend on your own preference, circumstances, and personal history.
If you’re currently in a romantic relationship and are negatively impacted by insecure attachment, you may be interested in attachment repair therapy for couples. This focuses on the pattern of your interactions as a couple, as well as each of your personal histories. It won’t assign blame to either partner, but will explore how each contributes to an unhelpful dynamic.4
If you choose individual talking therapy, you’ll likely find a therapist who is either humanistic or psychodynamic. Both of these can help raise your awareness of your past and present, helping you to spot patterns. Through attachment work, you’ll learn more secure methods of emotional regulation and ways of communicating your needs.
Since a relationship with a therapist can be very intimate and vulnerable, many people experience their attachment style “in the room.” For instance, an avoidant client may be very slow to open up, and an anxious client may seek validation from the therapist. These repetitions are useful as they allow the therapist to experience your attachment insecurity. They will respond in secure ways, enabling you to essentially “practice” being secure too.
Healing childhood attachment wounds as an adult may require trauma-informed therapy. If you experienced abuse or neglect in childhood, trauma therapists will be able to talk about your memories in a safe way.
You may choose cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for insecure attachment, which focuses on unhelpful automatic thoughts and behaviors. A CBT therapist will be interested in the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself and your relationships. As mentioned above, they may help you disprove these to open your mindset to new ways of relating.
How Long Does It Take to Heal Attachment Styles?
When someone’s healing from an insecure attachment style, it’s undoubtedly a lengthy process. For instance, an avoidantly attached person who is becoming more secure may sway between acting from an avoidant place and a more secure place for a long time. Once they understand their relationship patterns and begin putting themselves out there, they’ll have both good and bad days. Some less strong avoidant triggers may be easier to cope with, while more intense ones could cause someone to fall back on old defense mechanisms.
This is normal. No one becomes securely attached overnight. It may take several years to go through all the steps of understanding the past and practicing new ways of being in close relationships.
Mission Connection: Begin Healing Attachment Insecurity Today
Attachment insecurity can cause a great deal of pain. At Mission Connection, we understand how someone can feel alone and as though nothing will ever change. However, improving relationships through routes like attachment therapy is entirely possible.
We offer a wide range of therapeutic options, both in person and online. Our approach to your care is customized to your unique circumstances and goals. With one of our therapists, you can explore your past, present, and future, increasing your self-understanding and developing secure attachment strategies for healthy relationships. Get in touch to learn about our services today.
References
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
- Beaulieu, N., Brassard, A., Bergeron, S., & Péloquin, K. (2022). Why do you have sex and does it make you feel better? Integrating attachment theory, sexual motives, and sexual well-being in long-term couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(12), 026540752211087. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221108759
- Arriaga, X. B., Kumashiro, M., Simpson, J. A., & Overall, N. C. (2017). Revising Working Models Across Time: Relationship Situations That Enhance Attachment Security. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(1), 71–96. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868317705257
- Fishel, A. K., & Rubin, D. H. (2025). Couples therapy. In T. A. Stern, T. E. Wilens, & M. Fava (Eds.), Massachusetts General Hospital comprehensive clinical psychiatry (3rd ed., pp. 120–127). Elsevier. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-443-11844-9.00012-6
- Apollinaria Chursina. (2023). The Impact of Romantic Attachment Styles on Jealousy in Young Adults. Psychology in Russia, 16(3), 222–232. https://doi.org/10.11621/pir.2023.0315
