Shifts in Sexual Desire in Adults: Stress, Trauma, and Support

Sexual desire is influenced by a range of psychological and biological factors. The following sections explore some common reasons why desire may fluctuate.

Stress and Anxiety

Stress and sexuality are closely linked, influencing each other (and overall health) in complex and opposing ways. They have a bidirectional relationship, which means that chronic stress can reduce sexual desire, but sexual activity can also relieve stress.² 

But knowing this doesn’t make us suddenly desire sex if we’re not interested. When we’re stressed, cortisol levels are high, resulting in lower sexual desire, arousal, and activity for both men and women. People engaging in regular sex are more likely to have lower cortisol levels, but it is not something we can force our bodies to do automatically.² 

When we think about stress, our minds may jump to major life events such as a divorce, job loss, or death in the family. However, research finds that cumulative, small stressors can have an equally big impact on health. Over time, regular or chronic stress can contribute to issues around sex. These can be things like financial worries, traffic, or deadlines that never seem to be met.³ 

Common sources of stress impeding sexual desire include:¹ 

• Caring for young children or ill family members
• Chronic medical problems
• Relationship difficulties or abuse
• Problems at work or with finances
• Difficulties conceiving a child
• Menopause

These issues can take up permanent space in our brains and emotional lives, preventing us from feeling sexual desire as fully as we might like. You may be suffering from stress if you’ve noticed other physical symptoms like:

• Restlessness and agitation
• Excessive sweating
• Teeth clenching
• Urgency to urinate
• Dizziness
• Low immunity
• Tingling
• Figeting

Depression

While a loss of sexual desire is normal for everyone at some point in their lives, decreased libido is more common in those with depression. Research has found that 70% of depressed people experience loss of libido when they’re not taking medication. However, people can also experience a reduced libido when taking SSRIs, making it difficult to balance managing both depression and desire simultaneously.⁴ 

For some people, their loss of sexual interest is the worst part of depression, compared to other symptoms.⁴ Even if this isn’t true for everyone, it demonstrates the importance of sex in life and the gap it leaves behind when desire disappears.

Separate from the mental health condition, people can also feel a physiological depression caused by alcohol and narcotic drugs. Known as ‘depressant drugs,’ these substances can decrease libido, arousal, and orgasm. While people may use these substances and not have depression, those with psychiatric disorders are more likely to.⁴ 

So, if you’re noticing a shift in desire, it may be that your mind, body, or both is experiencing depression.

Childhood Sexual Trauma

Childhood sexual abuse is often particularly influential on adult sexuality. It may cause difficulties such as reduced libido and satisfaction, sexual compulsivity, risky sexual behaviors, problematic pornography use, sexual pain, and sexual distress.⁵ 

Plus, research finds that many survivors of childhood sexual abuse have difficulties with trust and attachment. This could be why some experience problematic pornography use; it satisfies sexual urges without the “risk” of engaging with intimate relationships.⁵ 

Some experts suggest that memories of sexual trauma are stored in the body, and this may go some way toward explaining difficulties with sex. Memories of pain and discomfort may impact someone’s ability to experience sexual pleasure.⁵ 

Other professionals suggest that survivors of childhood sexual abuse might re-experience their traumatic memories during consensual sex in adulthood. Feelings of betrayal and powerlessness can emerge and overshadow the present-day experience. In addition, people whose sexualities have been shaped by trauma are more likely to experience the following during and around sex:⁵ 

• Dissociation
• Intrusiveness
• Shame and guilt (for example, beliefs such as Sex is disgusting, I’m not worthy of experiencing pleasure, or I must please my partner)
• Hypervigilance

These experiences can make sex extremely distressing for survivors of sexual abuse, but they could even be triggered by things like flirting. So, it’s understandable that many people with trauma will experience shifts in their sexual desire, particularly if they haven’t yet explored their memories in therapy.⁵ 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

It isn’t just sexual trauma that can impact sex. Research into veterans and military personnel with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) found links with sexual difficulties.⁶ 

While PTSD may be caused by exposure to war and combat, people can also develop it as a result of domestic violence, natural disasters, and neglect. It could be that the emotional and physical vulnerability of sex is enough to remind someone of a trauma in which they felt vulnerable (for example, being exposed to an earthquake or air raid).⁶ 

The hyperarousal symptoms of PTSD (such as hypervigilance, irritability, and difficulty concentrating) may make it difficult for people to be mentally present during sex. They might also prevent someone from becoming aroused in the first place.⁶ 

PTSD can also cause people to lose interest in activities they used to enjoy, develop beliefs like I cannot trust other people, or avoid engaging in activities in which they could be vulnerable (like sex). These factors can be unique for each person with PTSD, but many aspects of the condition pose risks to sexual wellness.⁶ 

Relationships and Intimacy

It’s natural for sexual patterns to ebb and flow in long-term relationships. Typical events, like having children and stress, can take their toll and get in the way of intimacy.⁷ However, sometimes relationship stress itself can be the cause of intimacy issues. 

The foundations of the Gottman Method (an approach to couples therapy) identify four factors that are likely to cause negative outcomes and experiences in romantic relationships. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If these elements are present in a relationship, sexual desire can understandably dwindle.⁸ 

Further, if couples treat each other like convenient cab drivers, maids, or babysitters, either partner may feel lonely or taken for granted. Roommate-like dynamics can create a dull and predictable atmosphere, one that sex cannot easily emerge from. Some couples may need to relearn how to connect, forgive, communicate, and begin again before they can tackle their sexual disconnection.⁸  

There can also be unhelpful beliefs about sex in relationships that may create additional strain. For instance, some people think things like, Once your libido disappears, it never comes back, or If we’re not having sex, we might as well get divorced. These myths are extremely defeating and can get in the way of trying. The truth is, couples with sexual issues can and do recover from them.⁹ 

Later, we’ll discuss what positive actions couples can take.