Conflict Avoidance in Adults: Causes, Symptoms, and Strategies
When we hear the word “conflict,” it’s natural to picture something unpleasant: arguments, tension, hostility, and an overall unpleasant experience. Most people want peace, not confrontation, so it makes sense that we’d see conflict as something to avoid. Yet, conflict isn’t always a bad thing, especially in our close relationships; it can be a doorway to resolution and stronger connections with others.
When conflict disappears altogether, this is when problems often begin. Consistently avoiding it, no matter the cost, can quietly damage both your relationships and your sense of self. If you’ve noticed that you withdraw from disagreement or feel uneasy expressing your needs, this page can help you understand why this happens and what steps you can take to change it.
This page explores conflict avoidance in adults through the following topics:
- What conflict avoidance is
- The impacts of conflict avoidance
- The causes of conflict avoidance
- How to determine if you regularly avoid confrontation
- Coping strategies for conflict avoidance
- How conflict avoidance is treated at Mission Connection
What Is Conflict Avoidance?
Conflict avoidance in adults refers to someone’s tendency to steer clear of situations that could lead to confrontations or arguments. At first glance, this behavior may appear sensible and self-preserving.
Take a co-worker, or friend, who always wants to debate controversial topics you might feel uncomfortable with as an example. If this happens frequently enough, you might decide to step back or walk away. Choosing not to engage here can be a way of protecting your emotional space and even a healthy kind of avoidance that keeps things balanced.
However, when avoidance becomes a default pattern, especially in situations where participation or resolution is needed, it can create significant problems.
These problematic conflict avoidant behaviors may look like:1
- Deflecting serious conversations by turning them into jokes
- Avoiding sharing real thoughts or feelings out of fear of disagreement
- Denying that a problem exists, even when it’s obvious to others
- Changing the subject whenever discussions start to feel tense or uncomfortable
- Trying to be seen as easy-going or “the nice one,” even at personal cost
- Holding back from disagreeing, even when strongly feeling the other person is wrong
These behaviors can significantly impact personal life and overall sense of self, which we’ll consider in more detail next.
What Are the Impacts of Conflict Avoidance?
At this point, conflict avoidance may still seem “not that bad,” and could perhaps even be explained away as the person just being “a little quiet” or reserved in personality. But research frequently highlights several ways chronic conflict avoidance can harm well-being.
For example, a large‐scale adult study found that higher levels of conflict avoidance were associated with greater psychological distress. Specifically, among 1,471 adults, those who reported high conflict avoidance scored significantly worse on distress measures than those who reported low avoidance.2 But why might this be the case?
Conflict avoidance involves suppressing your own thoughts and emotions to keep the peace. Research shows that this kind of emotional suppression, particularly within close relationships like marriage, is linked to poorer psychological well-being.3 Therefore, while staying silent may create a short-term fix, it could build long-term tension and resentment beneath the surface.
Conflict avoidance doesn’t bode well in a family environment either, with research suggesting that low visible conflict doesn’t necessarily mean harmony.4 Instead, findings suggest that when avoidance is high, families often lack resolution and authenticity,4 creating tension that children may later mirror in their own relationships.
What Causes Conflict Avoidance?
Determining the causes of conflict avoidance in a person can be tricky. Some may find that these traits stem from childhood experiences, while others may develop them later in life. The best approach is to look at some of the common causes to gain a better idea of what might be behind conflict avoidance.
Potential causes of conflict avoidance include the following.
Fear of Abandonment and Attachment Insecurity
Attachment theory explains that the way we relate to conflict is shaped by early caregiving experiences. When those experiences are inconsistent or emotionally distant, people can develop insecure attachment styles built around two main fears: being abandoned and becoming too close to others.5
Those with anxious attachment tend to crave closeness but worry about abandonment, while those with avoidant attachment typically suppress emotional needs to maintain autonomy.5 Alternatively, people with fearful-avoidant (disorganized) tend to vacillate between both.
Both dimensions of attachment could lead to conflict avoidance, either by withdrawing to prevent being left (self-protection) or by staying silent to keep the peace. Therefore, insecure attachment teaches a person that conflict threatens connection, so they may learn to prioritize safety over honesty, even when it means losing their voice.
Trauma
Traumatic experiences can leave a lasting imprint on how a person responds to stress and conflict management. Post-traumatic stress disorder is characterized by avoidance and emotional numbing, which provide short-term relief but maintain long-term symptoms.6
In one experiment using an approach-avoidance conflict task, people with PTSD chose to give up financial rewards just to avoid trauma-related stimuli. In other words, they showed a strong preference for avoidance that extended beyond trauma reminders.6
The fear of being hurt or retraumatized can make any form of confrontation feel unsafe, causing the person to avoid conflict as a way of protecting themselves from emotional harm.
Low Self-Esteem
Self-esteem acts as a personal gauge for how much value we believe we hold in the eyes of others. When this gauge is low, people typically already feel quite low about themselves, making any conflict encountered feel like a threat rather than an opportunity for growth.
A study of over 2,500 people found that self-esteem and resilience were both linked with lower levels of social avoidance.7 The study also noted that low self-esteem increases sensitivity to rejection, leading people to avoid expressing their needs in order to preserve acceptance.7 To put it simply, the findings backed up the theory that low self-esteem is linked with conflict avoidance in adults.
This may be because, when every disagreement feels like proof of inadequacy, silence becomes a form of self-protection, though it ultimately reinforces the very insecurity that fuels the avoidance.
People-Pleasing
People-pleasing, sometimes described in clinical literature as “sociotropy” or “fawning,”8 is rooted in the desire to gain approval and avoid rejection. Those who adopt this behavior pattern often believe that being agreeable will protect them from conflict or abandonment.
Research validating this found that people-pleasers see fulfilling others’ needs as a way to prevent rejection, often staying quiet or compliant to maintain harmony.9 Yet this chronic accommodation can backfire as it may nurture feelings of inferiority and avoidance of relationships altogether, increasing loneliness and distress.9
When maintaining peace becomes more important than being authentic, conflict avoidance turns into a coping mechanism that keeps both emotional and relational growth out of reach.
Do I Regularly Avoid Conflict?
When mental health patterns have been part of your life for a long time, it can be hard to notice when they’ve begun to hold you back. You may have shaped your world around them, and what once started as a way to stay safe may now feel entirely normal. But if you suspect that avoiding conflict is affecting your relationships or sense of peace, it might be worth taking a closer look.
The self-assessment questions below are designed to help you reflect on your own behaviors and see whether conflict avoidance could be playing a bigger role than you realize. These questions are not diagnostic – they can simply give you clarity on your patterns.
Do you…
- Agree to things you don’t want to do just to keep others happy?
- Feel anxious or physically tense at the thought of a disagreement?
- Replay conversations in your mind, wishing you’d spoken up?
- Change your opinions or downplay your feelings to avoid tension?
- Distance yourself from people after even minor disagreements?
- Stay silent when something bothers you because you fear the outcome?
Answering “yes” to one or more of these questions doesn’t mean you have a diagnosable condition. It simply highlights an area of life that might benefit from exploration. If you recognize yourself in several of these statements and find it difficult to make changes on your own, speaking with a therapist could help you unpack the roots of this pattern and find healthier ways to communicate.
How Can I Overcome Conflict Avoidance?
It can be easy to feel as though avoiding conflict is simply part of who you are, but that isn’t the whole story. With the right tools, some people find they can overcome avoidance tendencies, especially in how they respond to tension and discomfort in relationships. Small, steady changes in self-awareness and communication can make conflict less intimidating.
Here are some ways to start managing conflict avoidance, and if it feels too difficult to do alone, professional help is always an option.
Practicing Mindfulness
Mindfulness involves staying present and observing your thoughts and emotions without judging them. Research suggests that this approach can help people face disagreements with a clearer and calmer mindset.
One study involving nurse managers found that those who practiced mindfulness more regularly were better at resolving conflicts in ways that balanced their own needs with those of others.10 Mindfulness training has since been encouraged in leadership settings to strengthen these abilities.10
By learning to notice your internal reactions, such as tension in your body or racing thoughts, you give yourself the chance to respond thoughtfully instead of retreating from the situation. This can make challenging conversations feel easier to manage.
Build Communication Skills
Conflict avoidance can develop when expressing your needs feels uncomfortable or unsafe, so by strengthening your communication skills, you may find your voice again.
Research shows that assertiveness training, commonly used in behavioral therapy, can improve how people express themselves and reduce the likelihood of unnecessary conflict.11
Some trauma-focused approaches, such as Skills Training in Affective and Interpersonal Regulation (STAIR), teach people how to manage difficult emotions and use role-play to practise assertive responses.12
Another approach, stress inoculation training, combines relaxation, breathing exercises, and guided self-talk to help reduce anxiety and avoidance.12
Learning to express boundaries and feelings calmly could also promote mutual respect, making it easier for you to stay engaged in the discussion rather than shutting down.
Reframe Conflict as a Chance for Growth
In a 2025 National Institutes of Health (NIH) seminar,13 workplace coach Amy Gallo encouraged people to pause and ask themselves, What if I don’t say anything? Her point was that when frustrations go unspoken, they rarely just “disappear” and instead sit beneath the surface, growing into resentment.
She explained that conflict isn’t always something to avoid; sometimes it’s what helps decisions improve and relationships strengthen. By reframing conflict as an opportunity rather than a threat, we can engage with it more openly. The seminar also emphasized the value of clarifying the shared goal and asking questions like What am I missing? or How are you seeing this? Such questions can turn disagreement into collaboration instead of personal tension.
Seek Professional Support
Conflict avoidance can sometimes stem from deeper fears, which can be hard to resolve alone. Therapies for avoidance behaviors, such as CBT, use exposure techniques that involve gradually facing feared situations while reducing the urge to escape or withdraw. Research also supports exposure as a core element of CBT for anxiety and conflict avoidance.14
A mental health professional can help you explore the root of your avoidance, which may help to unearth some of the mental health issues related to your avoidance issues. In many cases, the issues you may be dealing with could be underlying and never given the chance to be challenged. Seeking support is a positive step toward healthier relationships and a more confident sense of yourself.
How Is Conflict Avoidance Treated at Mission Connection?
At Mission Connection, we understand that conflict avoidance doesn’t appear out of nowhere and can easily be rooted in deeper issues. Our goal is to help you identify and treat these underlying causes so that you can begin to engage more openly and cope with relationship conflict.
Because conflict avoidance can stem from so many different places, we’ve built specialized programs that treat the core conditions most commonly linked to it, including:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Trauma-related issues
- Attachment issues
- And more
Each person who comes to Mission Connection receives an individualized plan that combines evidence-based therapies such as DBT and CBT, delivered by clinicians experienced in delivering behavioral therapy for conflict. We also offer both in-person and telehealth options, making it easier for you to begin treatment in a way that fits your comfort level and lifestyle.
Whether you’ve spent years avoiding difficult conversations or have only recently recognized this pattern, we’re here to help you uncover what’s driving it and give you the tools to move beyond fear-based avoidance.
Reach out to Mission Connection today to begin working with a team that understands your patterns, listens without judgment, and helps you start creating relationships built on honesty and security.
References
- Leonard, E. (2022, August 12). The Conflict Avoidant: Two Distinct Types | Psychology Today. Www.psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202209/the-conflict-avoidant-two-distinct-types
- Bruce, M. J., Chang, A., Evans, L., Streb, M., Dehon, J., & Handal, P. J. (2022). Relationship of Conflict, Conflict Avoidance, and Conflict Resolution to Psychological Adjustment. Psychological Reports, 127(5), 003329412211467. https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941221146708
- An, U., Park, H. G., Han, D. E., & Kim, Y.-H. (2022). Emotional Suppression and Psychological Well-Being in Marriage: The Role of Regulatory Focus and Spousal Behavior. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(2), 973. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19020973
- Laursen, B., & Hafen, C. A. (2009). Future Directions in the Study of Close Relationships: Conflict Is Bad (Except When It’s Not). Social Development, 19(4), 858–872. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2009.00546.x
- Yildiz, B. (2023). Attachment, Growth Fear and Conflict Resolution in Close Relationships. International Journal of Psychology and Educational Studies, 10(2), 453–462. https://doi.org/10.52380/ijpes.2023.10.2.1011
- Weaver, S. S., Kroska, E. B., Ross, M. C., Sartin-Tarm, A., Sellnow, K. A., Schaumberg, K., Kiehl, K. A., Koenigs, M., & Cisler, J. M. (2020). Sacrificing reward to avoid threat: Characterizing PTSD in the context of a trauma-related approach–avoidance conflict task. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 129(5), 457–468. https://doi.org/10.1037/abn0000528
- Shang, A., Feng, L., Yan, G., & Sun, L. (2025). The relationship between self-esteem and social avoidance among university students: chain mediating effects of resilience and social distress. BMC Psychology, 13(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-02444-2
- Bailey, R., Dugard, J., Smith, S. F., & Porges, S. W. (2023). Appeasement: replacing Stockholm syndrome as a definition of a survival strategy. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14(1). https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2022.2161038
- Kuang, X., Li, H., Luo, W., Zhu, J., & Ren, F. (2025). The Mental Health Implications of People-Pleasing: Psychometric Properties and Latent Profiles of the Chinese People-Pleasing Questionnaire. PsyCh Journal, 14(4), 500-512. https://doi.org/10.1002/pchj.70016
- Assi, M. D., Eshah, N. F., & Rayan, A. (2022). The Relationship Between Mindfulness and Conflict Resolution Styles Among Nurse Managers: A Cross-Sectional Study. SAGE Open Nursing, 8(8), 237796082211423. https://doi.org/10.1177/23779608221142371#
- Opland, C., & Torrico, T. J. (2024, November 13). Behavioral Therapy. Nih.gov; StatPearls Publishing. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK609098/
- Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US). (2014). Trauma-Specific Services. In www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207184/
- Talesnik, D. (2025, March 26). Gallo Offers Tips on Embracing Healthy Conflict. NIH Record. https://nihrecord.nih.gov/2025/03/28/gallo-offers-tips-embracing-healthy-conflict
- Hofmann, S. G., & Hay, A. C. (2018). Rethinking avoidance: Toward a balanced approach to avoidance in treating anxiety disorders. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 55(55), 14–21. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2018.03.004