Fear of Intimacy in Adults: What Is It and Why Does It Occur?

November 28, 2025

Authored by: Adam Moore, MPharm

Edited by: Jemma Strain, B.S. Psychology

Sharing your life with someone can be one of life’s most valuable experiences. Searching for love and finding that special someone can bring immense joy. Separation can be just as significant, and even devastating for some. In short, for a lot of us, life revolves around love in all its ups and downs.

However, a fear of intimacy anxiety can inhibit someone in the pursuit of close relationships. Intimacy requires both people to open up and be vulnerable with each other without judgment. It’s key for a deeper connection, as with intimacy comes a greater sense of closeness and togetherness. Yet some people find being intimate with someone else challenging, or even a source of great distress. But where does this difficulty with intimacy come from?

If you or someone you care about feels nervous or fearful when it comes to intimacy, then it may be worth exploring further. A mental health professional can help you get to the root of the problem and discuss avenues for treatment.

This page can also help you better understand the fear of intimacy anxiety in relationships, as it explores:

What the fear of intimacy is
Causes of fear of intimacy anxiety
What fear of intimacy looks like in relationships
The link between fear of intimacy and mental health
Therapy for relationship fears
Practical strategies for coping with relationship anxiety
How Mission Connection can help

Understanding Fear of Intimacy Anxiety

A fear of intimacy can be defined as a “persistent discomfort or anxiety surrounding emotional or physical closeness in relationships.” ¹ It’s worth knowing that this feeling isn’t due to a lack of desire for connection. On the contrary, it’s a protective mechanism.

People with this fear may crave connection and closeness with their partner. However, when it comes down to moments of vulnerability or “letting their guard down,” it can feel scary and challenging. This experience is often rooted in previous experiences.

Intimacy is often not just as simple as being relaxed and open with each other, as it comes in many forms: physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual.² Therefore, fear of intimacy is particularly difficult to navigate because it often results in an internal conflict. For instance, imagine wanting to connect with someone you love on a deeper level. But because of personal challenges such as past traumas or trust issues, doing so causes you intense anxiety. This anxiety may cause avoidance of triggering conversations, such as sharing personal thoughts or experiences, or being physically intimate. It can feel lonely and frustrating, and moreover, it can cause intimacy problems in relationships in the long term.³

Causes of Intimacy Problems in Relationships

With any fears or anxieties, it’s always good to understand why these feelings come up. By getting to the root of the problem, a path can be paved towards treatment and recovery. However, there’s no single cause of fear of intimacy anxiety. It can stem from a variety of issues, including the following:

Attachment and Early Childhood Experiences

In psychology, attachment theory describes how the quality of bond we develop with our primary caregiver(s) in childhood shapes how we relate to and care for others in the future.⁵

Secure attachment is often seen in people who were raised with emotionally open and consistent caregivers. One study showed that adults with secure attachment tend to happier in relationships, have less fear around intimacy, and are more emotionally stable. ⁵

In contrast, children raised by emotionally distant parents, say in a household where feelings aren’t often shared or discussed, are likely to be less “open” or vulnerable in future relationships. Likewise, if brought up in an inconsistent or neglectful way, this can negatively impact future relationships in adulthood.⁵ According to attachment theory, these children may develop an insecure attachment style. The styles most closely associated with a fear of intimacy are the avoidant attachment style and the fearful-avoidant style (disorganized in childhood).^3,4

Avoidant attachment typically shows up in a relationship as someone who doesn’t express their needs, suppresses their emotions, and avoids getting too emotionally close. Often, this person subconsciously acts this way because they are anticipating rejection, so trust and intimacy can feel risky or threatening. Similarly, someone with fearful-avoidant attachment may have a fear of getting hurt in relationships. So while they may initially push for closeness, they may also suddenly withdraw from it.⁴

Relationship Avoidance Trauma

Trauma can go beyond childhood. It’s not just about how we’re cared for as children or teen attachment difficulties, as studies show that adults with a history of trauma are more likely to have a fear of intimacy.⁷ A notable example is cheating, which may bring about fear of intimacy when starting out in another relationship. Due to past traumas, someone may find it hard to wholly trust a future partner without apprehension, often because of a fear of being abandoned.⁶

This fear of abandonment or trust issues can manifest as avoidance behaviors. For example, refusing to discuss personal or triggering topics, struggling to regulate emotions, or becoming anxious when intimate scenarios arise.7

Cognitive and Emotional Patterns

Sometimes people are wired to be rejection-sensitive, due to issues like past experiences, personality traits, self-esteem issues, and so on. As a result, they may not bet on themselves when it comes to dating, let alone a lasting relationship. They may have a fear of getting hurt because their partner may not truly want them, or because the relationship is simply “doomed to end.”⁸

Additionally, some people experience shame more intensely than others. In short, this is the feeling of being inherently flawed – that there’s something “wrong with them” or they’re unworthy of their partner. This may lead to intense embarrassment when it comes to disclosing certain personal details, making someone less likely to share or be emotionally open. Further, they may also feel that by sharing details of their life, they risk judgment and rejection. ⁹

How Does Fear of Intimacy Show Up in Relationships?

Fear of intimacy can appear in a variety of ways, from subtle emotional habits to more intense behaviors. These actions include signs like:^3,4

Emotional closeness struggles: Distancing from deep conversations or suppressing feelings.
Reluctance to rely on others: Valuing being independent to an extreme degree, and likewise, thinking of dependence or relying on someone else as a “weakness.”³
Push-pull dynamics: Also known as being “hot and cold,” this describes people who are keen to become close, but withdraw as more intimate scenarios arise. The reality of being vulnerable may feel like too much, as it risks being hurt, causing them to retreat.^3,4
Relationship sabotage: Creating conflict or ending relationships prematurely. This is often a defence mechanism, especially for those with a fear of being rejected by someone else. They may feel a sense of control, or that they’re “getting ahead” of the anticipated rejection, by purposefully damaging the relationship themselves.
Rigid boundaries: Maintaining strict limits around emotional sharing. This is a common avoidance behavior, as it makes certain personal topics off-limits in order to prevent discussion around triggering topics.

The above behavior patterns can understandably make a relationship difficult to navigate. In fact, the research shows that these patterns can lead to relationship dissatisfaction, as well as symptoms of anxiety and depression.⁸ In the next section, we take a closer look at the link between fear of intimacy anxiety and mental health.

Fear of Intimacy and Mental Health

Quite often, fear of intimacy doesn’t exist on its own and is tied to other mental health and well-being factors. For instance, fear of intimacy is often linked to…

Anxiety and depression: Studies show that people with anxiety or depression are more likely to exhibit avoidant or fearful behaviors, such as avoiding intimate scenarios altogether.⁸
Chronic isolation: People who regularly deal with social anxiety, for example, may maintain negative self-beliefs like I’m not fun to be around or I’m not likable. Such perceptions of self can prevent intimacy in relationships, lead to increased isolation, and worsen mental health over time.⁸
Therapy barriers: Intimacy avoidance behaviors can also include resistance to therapy. Sometimes, vulnerable one-to-one conversations with a therapist can feel challenging for people with a fear of intimacy. This can present a barrier to effective therapy as it can slow progress.⁹

It’s also well documented that fear of intimacy anxiety contributes significantly to stress and emotional turbulence.⁸ Fortunately, there is a range of effective treatment options available.

Evidence-Based Therapeutic Approaches for Relationship Avoidance Trauma

The right professional approach for fear of intimacy may come down to the root causes of someone’s anxiety or difficulties. However, the following are some evidence-based approaches that are commonly used for emotional connection building.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT is proven to be effective for adults struggling with the fear of intimacy, as it helps increase comfort with emotional disclosure and overall relationship satisfaction.¹¹

CBT looks for unhelpful thinking patterns and, under the guidance of a therapist, reframes these thoughts into something more balanced and realistic. For example, your go-to internal statement after conflict may be My partner isn’t happy with me. CBT helps rewrite this to a narrative like Conflict can happen in relationships, it’s okay as long as we can repair it healthily.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT is effective for building trust, coping with relationship anxiety, and making both parties feel more comfortable with intimacy.¹⁰

In sessions, couples experiencing fear of intimacy can benefit from enacting typical interactions that are associated with anxiety or fear in a safe, judgment-free space to express their emotions.

Trauma-Informed Therapy

For adults with histories of trauma, trauma-informed therapy may be most suitable for their needs. There are various forms of talking therapy that deal directly with processing past trauma and improving emotional stability, well-being, and how we relate to others generally and in relationships. Aside from CBT, these include:

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): Teaches skills to manage emotions and improve relationships, alongside the principles of CBT.¹²
Attachment-based therapy: Addresses early wounds with regard to relating to others and building secure internal beliefs.¹²

While EMDR is not a traditional talking therapy, it can also be effective for processing trauma that may lead to fear of intimacy anxiety.

Residential or Intensive Programs

For adults who have more severe issues when it comes to intimacy, residential programs can provide stability and consistent support. They may be particularly effective for someone with severe avoidance or complex trauma, and can offer exercises in trust building, expressing emotions, and relationship skills.6 These programs can also interweave medication management with intensive therapy support, allowing people to recover at their own pace.

Practical Strategies for Coping With Relationship Anxiety

Alongside therapy, people can often benefit from practicing simple techniques at home to help manage their emotions and fears. Tips for coping with relationship anxiety include:

Understanding attachment patterns: Learning is key, and by recognizing your own attachment patterns, you can build awareness and break ingrained habits. For example, knowing that you tend to err toward avoidance can allow you to break the shame cycle and help you understand your partner’s concerns.⁵
Gradually increase vulnerability: Begin by sharing small personal details in safe contexts.¹¹ Over time, you can increase the amount you share as you build up a tolerance.
Journaling and reflection: Tracking emotional reactions may help you identify what scenarios are “triggers” and how you tend to slip into certain responses.¹¹
Mindfulness: Techniques like grounding and controlled in-and-out breathing are great ways to divert focus from a racing mind and support emotional well-being.¹³

When it comes to coping with relationship anxiety, partners can also support emotional growth. For instance, they could try…¹⁰

Creating safe communication: Use “I” statements and communicate in a way that keeps judgment and blame minimal. For example, instead of saying “You said this and it made me angry,” opt to say something less blaming, like “I feel like I wasn’t being valued, which was upsetting.” Studies show this method to be an effective way of promoting healthy communication in a relationship.
Being consistent and patient: Trust develops through repeated, safe interactions. However, you should never compromise your own values for those of others.
Engaging in joint therapy: Mental health support for couples can allow you to explore your fears together. This is often an invaluable step in establishing mutual trust and connection.

Mission Connection: Guiding You Towards Trust and Lasting Connection

If you’re experiencing intimacy problems in relationships, this can be tricky to navigate, as it can be a barrier to a healthy, loving life together. Further, it can be a lonely, alienating experience if one partner suffers in silence, rather than addressing the issue to increase intimacy and trust. Fortunately, recovery is entirely possible with the right support.

Mission Connection provides comprehensive, compassionate treatment for adults experiencing fear of intimacy anxiety. Our team specializes in evidence-based therapies that are considerate of the individual and possible underlying causes of this fear – ensuring that the chosen treatment plan is tailored to you. Our telehealth services also mean that you can fit therapy for relationship fears into your schedule flexibly, allowing you to receive care from the comfort of your home.

By also offering comprehensive medication monitoring alongside various therapies, Mission Connection can be a guiding light toward overcoming the fear of intimacy. If you’re ready to explore our treatment options, contact us today or complete our confidential contact form for more information.

References

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