Overcompensating in Adult Relationships: Why You Do It
Have you ever felt like you’re always the one to make up or smooth things over in your relationships, even when you’re not the one who caused the conflict? Or maybe you try to bend yourself backwards, anticipating someone else’s needs, before they even ask.
For many of us, especially those who grew up learning that love and safety had to be earned, doing “too much” in relationships can feel like the only way to stay connected. We might think that if we give more or stay agreeable, the other person will finally see our worth and won’t leave. It can be impossible to stop these patterns of overcompensating, even when we’re aware of what’s happening.
Unfortunately, overcompensating relationships can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and burnout. Plus, they can indicate underlying mental health conditions. If you find that you’re constantly overcompensating in relationships, a mental health professional can provide invaluable insight and guidance.
This page can help you better understand the people pleasing mental health link by exploring:
- What overcompensating really means and why it happens
- The connection between people-pleasing behaviors and mental health
- How to recognize when it’s time to stop overcompensating
- Coping and therapy for overcompensating
- Answers to commonly asked questions about overcompensating in relationships
What Does “Overcompensating” Really Mean?
Overcompensating can look like constantly apologizing or giving more than we have, as a way of earning safety, approval, or closeness. For instance, if someone fears abandonment, they might overcompensate with excessive affection, control, or gifts.
The following are some emotional overinvestment signs:
- Agreeing to something without first having checked in with yourself
- Often feeling guilty about setting boundaries or saying “no”
- Trying to fix problems that aren’t yours, often feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, reactions, or mistakes
- Feeling anxious when other people are upset
- Feeling uncomfortable when other people try to show up for you or offer support
- Finding yourself over-explaining or over-apologizing just to avoid conflict
- Being agreeable or helpful to the extent that you’re left feeling exhausted or unseen
- Constantly buying gifts as a means of making up for something you feel is lacking
Overcompensation often begins as a survival strategy. If you grew up in an environment where emotional safety was unpredictable, or where withdrawal and rejection were real risks, giving more might’ve felt like the safest option. In the next section, we take a closer look at why overcompensation might happen.
Why Overcompensation Happens in Adult Relationships?
Some of the most common contributing factors to overcompensating are:
- Growing up in emotionally unstable environments where you had to predict others’ moods or soothe their distress to feel secure
- Feeling responsible for others’ happiness and learning that love or approval depended on how useful, agreeable, or low-maintenance you are
- Internalizing beliefs about self-worth and relationships. This might come from hearing (or absorbing) messages at an early age, like you have to earn your place, or if you’re not helping, you’re not enough
- The fear of rejection, where the fear of abandonment behavior manifests into a belief that the more you do, the less likely another person is to leave
- Cultural or gender expectations, where many people, especially women, are taught that care, sacrifice, and emotional labor are traits of being “good” or “lovable”
Overcompensation is an emotional adaptation that may have made sense at the time. But as adults, this pattern can create an imbalance between what we give and what we receive, leaving us feeling disconnected from our own wants and needs.
The Role of Attachment Styles
Here are the attachment styles and how they might explain our overcompensating behaviors:
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is an insecure attachment style where we fear abandonment and have a strong desire for closeness and reassurance. We might excessively worry that someone will leave or feel responsible for keeping relationships intact.4
Attachment anxiety symptoms often lead to overcompensation, like apologizing first, always giving more, or trying to “prove” your worth in subtle ways. The fear of being rejected or forgotten can push you to over-function in relationships just to maintain a connection.
Avoidant Attachment
On the flip side of anxious attachment is avoidant attachment, which usually involves early experiences with emotional neglect or rejection that result in emotional distance and difficulty with intimacy.5 This attachment style is also more commonly related to trauma relationship patterns.6 If our attachment style is avoidant, we might overcompensate by withdrawing or being hyper-independent. Instead of giving too much, we might end up giving too little, believing that distance is safest.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment (known as fearful-avoidant in adulthood) is the result of chaotic, frightening, or neglectful caregiving in early life. This attachment style results in a push-pull dynamic, where we crave closeness but also fear it.
If we exhibit this type of attachment style, we might overcompensate by pouring our hearts out or being overly affectionate one moment. Then, when closeness starts to feel overwhelming, we might completely shut down or run away.
Each of the styles mentioned is a form of insecure attachment. If you would like to learn more about the secure attachment style, our page on the topic can help.
How Overcompensating Impacts Your Mental Health and Relationships
Overcompensating impacts our mental health because we’re not addressing our insecurities and instead trying to cover them up by doing too much in the other direction. When we’re always the one who’s responsible for keeping things together or anticipating others’ needs, that leads us to feel emotionally drained, resentful, or invisible.
Here’s how overcompensating in relationships can impact mental health:
- Constantly trying to manage others’ comfort or avoiding conflict can wear on our nervous system, leaving us feeling emotionally exhausted, burned out, or anxious
- When we’re giving without receiving, it can lead us to feel misunderstood or taken for granted. This can create distance in relationships, even when we’re trying to keep things close
- Overcompensating teaches us to pay attention to the moods of others instead of listening to our own. This can result in a loss of authenticity – not knowing who we are and what we want.
- If our sense of self is tied to how much we do for others, we may forget who we are outside of the roles of caretaker or giver
- Overcompensation can unintentionally reinforce a one-sided relationship dynamic. Others might come to expect our overgiving, creating a sense of codependency
By recognizing how overcompensating can affect our mental health and relationships, we can start taking steps to address the underlying issues.
Coping With Relationship Insecurity: Breaking the Overcompensation Cycle
Learning to stop overcompensating isn’t about changing who we are; it’s about making space for who we are outside of another person and beneath the overdoing, over-giving, or over-explaining.
Steps you can take to break the cycle of overcompensating include:
Slowing Down and Listening to Your Body
Overcompensation happens fast. Your mouth says “yes” even before your brain has time to figure out what’s going on. Slowing down, even for a breath, leaves space for choice. Notice what your stomach, chest, or shoulders do when you feel pressure to perform or please. Grounding and relaxation tools like deep breathing, placing a hand on your heart, or humming can help you relax internally before responding externally.7
Learning Healthy Boundary Setting
Setting boundaries can feel selfish, especially when we’re used to always saying “yes.” But they’re how we stay connected while also protecting our own needs. They prevent us from being taken advantage of and create a sense of respect and safety.8 Start small. Practice saying, “Let me think about that,” or “I don’t have the capacity right now.” We all deserve a relationship where it’s safe to be human.
These coping techniques can be highly valuable for protecting your autonomy. However, if overcompensating relationships are tied to issues like early trauma, therapy may be necessary.
Therapy for Boundary Issues
While practicing coping tools to manage overcompensating behavior can provide the steps to make changes, sometimes addressing the root cause of these patterns makes a big difference. Therapeutic support can help you untangle the layers and rewrite your self-worth.
The following are some evidence-based approaches to address overcompensating:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT focuses on helping us identify and change negative automatic thoughts that influence how we feel and act. This might look like identifying the unhelpful thoughts that drive overcompensation. For example, If I don’t take care of them, they’ll leave, or My needs don’t matter as much as theirs. By reframing these thought patterns, CBT works as a great codependency treatment and supports us in developing healthier boundaries.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
DBT combines emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and relationship skills. It’s especially effective for people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) attachment issues.9 If you find it hard to express your needs or handle conflict without giving in, DBT skills like DEAR MAN can teach assertiveness without damaging the relationship.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS assumes we’re all made up of many internal parts, each with its own history, needs, and protective or wounded roles. This approach believes that each of these parts functions like a family, and addressing these parts can build self-compassion.
If you’re overcompensating, there may be a part of you that learned to people-please to keep you safe or a perfectionistic part that is trying to protect you from rejection. Parts work helps you understand why you overcompensate, not just that you do. It builds compassion for the parts of you that are trying to protect you, even in dysfunctional ways.10 The result is to calm your system so the healthier, more secure parts can lead.
Mindfulness Therapies
Mindfulness practices can provide stress management in relationships. These techniques teach us how to recognize physical cues, like tightness, restlessness, or urgency, and ways to respond with calm. Using tools like deep breathing, guided imagery, or body scans, we learn to relax the body and mind so we can make more balanced decisions.
Each one of these therapies has the same goal of reminding us to remember that labor and self-sacrifice don’t determine our self-worth.
Mission Connection: Support for Healing Relationship Patterns
At Mission Connection, we understand that overcompensation in relationships is a sign of how hard you’ve been working to feel loved, safe, and connected. Our therapists specialize in helping untangle relationship dynamics shaped by trauma, attachment wounds, and long-standing survival strategies. Using evidence-based approaches like DBT, IFS, and mindfulness, we work with you to understand the deeper story behind your overgiving and the fears that keep it alive.
If you’re ready to explore what healthier, more fulfilling relationships look like, contact Mission Connection today. We’re here to walk with you as you move toward a life where your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
Frequently Asked Questions About Overcompensating in Relationships
If you still have some concerns about overcompensating relationships patterns, the following answers to FAQs could help give you the extra clarity you need.
1. Can Overcompensating Build Trust?
Overcompensating does not necessarily build stronger trust. Studies have revealed that overcompensating behaviors do not increase the perception of trust and can actually create more conflicting thoughts in the person who receives the overcompensation.11
2. Is Overcompensating a Trauma Response?
For some people, yes, overcompensating may be a response to trauma, as a way of being overly agreeable and accommodating to stay safe. If you grew up needing to earn love or avoid conflict, overcompensating may have become your default.
3. Can Residential Treatment for Relationships Help Me Stop Overcompensating?
Yes, residential treatment can help you address overcompensating patterns and build healthier relationships. Many residential programs provide family and group therapy where you can practice how to show up authentically and learn to receive as much as you give.
4. Does Mission Connection Help With Relationship and Boundary Issues?
Yes, we help you build stronger relationships and healthier boundaries by addressing attachment wounds and trauma-driven relationship patterns. Whether you’re struggling in your romantic relationships, friends, or family dynamics, we can help you understand the root of your patterns and build more supportive ways of relating.
References
- Dixon, R. A., Bäckman, L., & Bäckman, L. (Eds.). (1995). Compensating for psychological deficits and declines: Managing losses and promoting gains (1st ed.). Psychology Press. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203773802
- Cherry, K. C. (2023, December 1). Compensation and Defense Mechanisms. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-compensation-2794972
- Cassidy, J., Jones, J. D., & Shaver, P. R. (2013). Contributions of attachment theory and research: A framework for future research, translation, and policy. Development and Psychopathology, 25(4pt2), 1415–1434. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0954579413000692
- Lebow, H. I. (2022, June 22). Anxious attachment style: Signs, causes, and how to change. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs
- Gould, W. R. (2025, October 7). Understanding avoidant attachment in relationships. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-avoidant-attachment-in-relationships-8600201
- Szeifert, N. M., Oláh, B., & Gonda, X. (2025). The mediating role of adult attachment styles between early traumas and suicidal behaviour. Scientific Reports, 15(1), 15855. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-025-00831-8
- Trivedi, G., Sharma, K., Saboo, B., Kathirvel, S., Konat, A., Zapadia, V., Prajapati, P. J., Benani, U., Patel, K., & Shah, S. (2023). Humming (Simple Bhramari Pranayama) as a stress Buster: A Holter-Based study to analyze heart rate variability (HRV) parameters during bhramari, physical activity, emotional stress, and sleep. Cureus, 15(4), e37527. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.37527
- Moore, M. (2022, September 8). The importance of personal boundaries. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries
- Hernandez-Bustamante, M., Cjuno, J., Hernández, R. M., & Ponce-Meza, J. C. (2023). Efficacy of dialectical behavior therapy in the treatment of borderline personality Disorder: A systematic review of randomized controlled trials. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 19(1), 119–129. https://doi.org/10.18502/ijps.v19i1.14347
- Buys, M. E. (2025). Exploring the evidence for Internal Family Systems therapy: a scoping review of current research, gaps, and future directions. Clinical Psychologist, 1–20. https://doi.org/10.1080/13284207.2025.2533127
- Haesevoets, T., Van Hiel, A., De Cremer, D., Delplanque, J., De Coninck, S., & Van Overwalle, F. (2022). The myth of the extra mile: Psychological processes and neural mechanisms underlying overcompensation effects. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 100, 104282. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2022.104282