Co-Regulation: What It Is and Why It Matters
Every relationship in your life – romantic, familial, and platonic – relies on more than words. Your tone, breathing, posture, and other non-verbal communications are sending signals to those around you about how you feel.
Our feelings can spread to others around us, and the process is commonly referred to as “co-regulation.” Co-regulation can shape how children learn to manage big feelings from their parents, or how couples get through hard conversations.
Learning more about co-regulation can change how you show up for the people in your life and clarify the signals that you’re sending out. This article can help you understand the process by exploring:
- What co-regulation is in detail and how it works within your nervous system.
- How co-regulation is different from self-regulation.
- Its role in attachment theory, from childhood through adulthood.
- What healthy co-regulation looks like in relationships and parenting.
- Practical ways you can build stronger co-regulation and emotional regulation skills.
What Is Co-Regulation, Exactly?
Co-regulation is something that’s communicated via small, often unconscious cues:
- Your tone of voice.
- Facial expressions.
- Even the pace of your breathing.
These signals pass between two people’s nervous systems and can help make someone calm when they’re feeling distressed.[1]
The process relies on what’s known as “nervous system regulation,” or the body’s ability to move between states of stress and states of safety.
Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, can offer a frequently referenced framework for understanding how this all works.
The Three States of the Nervous System
According to Dr. Porges’ framework, the body shifts between three main states of being, depending on how safe or threatened it feels:[2]
- Safety and connection: Also known as the “ventral vagal state,” this is a calm and socially-engaged state where you feel able to connect with others and communicate clearly and effectively.
- Fight-or-flight: Also known as the “sympathetic state,” this is an activated stress response that can be triggered by a perceived threat, usually including felt tension, urgency, and reactivity.
- Shutdown or freezing up: Also known as the “dorsal vagal state,” this is a state of withdrawal that happens when stress becomes overwhelming.
How Connection Can Shift These States of Being
Emotional co-regulation works by helping someone else move from fight-or-flight or shutdown back toward a state of safety and connection. Having a calm and steady presence (utilizing a warm tone, relaxed body language, attentive listening, and open body language) can actually help them to settle down.
To be clear, this isn’t something you “do to” someone. Rather, it’s something that happens between two people — both nervous systems pick up on the cues from the other.
For example, this is why sitting with someone who is feeling anxious can either calm you both down (if they’re co-regulating based on your sense of calm) or leave you both more activated (if you’re picking up a lot of their non-verbal communication).
Why Co-Regulation Is Important
Repeated experiences of co-regulation can shape the nervous system and how it learns to respond to stressors over time. For kids, consistent support from their caregivers can build a foundation for better self-regulation skills later on in life.[3]
For adults, the process still goes on. Every friendship has the potential to either soothe or intensify nervous system regulation, depending on the quality of the connection between two people.
Co-Regulation vs. Self-Regulation
Self-regulation and co-regulation can both help you manage difficult emotional states, but they ultimately work in different ways.
Self-regulation, at its core, happens internally via your own coping skills. In contrast, co-regulation is something that happens between two people by way of connection and support.
What Self-Regulation Looks Like
Self-regulation is the ability to calm yourself down without having to rely on someone else. This can look different for everyone, but common skills include:
- Regulating your breathing.
- Going outside for a walk.
- Using grounding techniques.
- Practicing positive self-talk.
It is based on internal skills that can be strengthened over time.
What Co-Regulation Looks Like
On the other hand, co-regulation draws on someone else’s sense of calm and steadiness to help you settle your own nervous system. Relying on a friend’s presence during a stressful moment or a partner’s reassuring tone during a disagreement can help shift your own emotional state.
Why Both Types of Regulation Matter
Neither skill is intended to be better than the other or serve as a replacement. Strong self-regulation skills help you stay grounded in the moment when other support might not be available. In contrast, strong co-regulation can deepen your relationships and give you somewhere else to turn.
These two concepts can actually build one another up. Children who experience consistent co-regulation from parents usually develop stronger self-regulation skills as they age. And adults who continue to utilize co-regulation with their social supports can usually self-regulate more effectively as well.[4]
Ultimately, the goal is to forge a healthy balance between managing your own emotions and knowing when to turn to emotional support from the people you trust most.
Co-Regulation and Attachment Theory
Attachment theory offers a compelling case for why co-regulation is so important. It describes how early relationships with our caregivers shape the way we connect, trust, and manage emotions for the rest of our lives.
Co-Regulation in Childhood
Of course, babies can’t regulate their own emotions. They depend on their caregivers to help them feel calm after being distressed. This is why they love to be held, soothed, and spoken to gently.
When they get these responses consistently, infants and children start learning their emotions are manageable, and that connection can bring a sense of safety. Over time, repeated co-regulation like this becomes the foundation for secure attachments with others.[5]
When Co-Regulation Is Inconsistent in Childhood
Unfortunately, not every child gets steady support from their parents or caregivers. If caregivers are unpredictable or unable to meet their child’s emotional needs, it could result in the development of an insecure attachment style.
Having an insecure attachment style can shape how that person approaches and views relationships later in life, potentially leading to anxiety around closeness and difficulty trusting other people.[6]
How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships
Attachment patterns can carry over into the adult years, shaping how people respond to stress in their relationships and within family dynamics.
For example, someone with a secure attachment style might find it easier to offer and accept co-regulation from their loved ones. On the other hand, someone with an insecure style might pull away or feel anxious without constant reassurance.
Why This Matters for Healing
Understanding the connection between attachment styles and co-regulation can be important in trauma recovery, especially for those whose early experiences with co-regulation and attachment were inconsistent or absent.
Healthy adult relationships, including therapeutic relationships, can offer new experiences of co-regulation that help build up a stronger sense of emotional safety and the capacity to engage with it.
Ultimately, attachment styles aren’t fixed in place. Consistent and supportive connections can help you develop a more secure way of relating to others at almost any stage of the lifespan.[6]
Mission Connection is here to help you or your loved one take the next steps towards an improved mental well-being.
Healthy Co-Regulation in Relationships and Parenting
Co-regulation looks different depending on the relationship in question, but the pattern usually stays the same: one person’s steadiness can help to settle someone else down. Below, we consider what healthy co-regulation can look like in different types of relationships.
In Romantic Relationships
Healthy relationships rely on partners offering one another a sense of calm during stressful times.
Examples are:
- Staying present during an argument instead of escalating things.
- Softening your tone and body language when your partner seems overwhelmed.
This kind of connection doesn’t entail avoiding conflict altogether. However, it does mean managing it in a way that keeps everyone feeling emotionally safe so as not to trigger fight-or-flight responses in one another.
In Parenting
Parenting skills rooted in co-regulation involve staying calm when your child is upset instead of matching their emotional intensity. Using a steady voice and calm presence can help your child settle back down to baseline.
Over time, being consistent with this pattern can teach kids that their tough emotions are survivable and support is available when needed, building a better foundation for self-regulation on their own in later years.
In Friendships
Social support is a big part of life, and a friend who stays grounded while you process something hard can be an incredible benefit.
These connections matter a lot during high-stress periods. Having several people to lean on can make emotional regulation feel more manageable and make you less prone to relying on just one relationship in your life.
What They All Have in Common
All in all, healthy co-regulation relies on presence, patience, and attunement. It’s about staying regulated enough in yourself to offer your presence and support to someone else who is in need.
Practical Ways to Build Stronger Co-Regulation and Emotional Regulation Skills
Building better co-regulation and emotional regulation skills can be a result of small, consistent habits. For example, you could:
- Slow your own nervous system down before trying to calm someone else.
- Take a few slow, deep breaths.
- Soften your tone and posture when speaking.
- Practice your active listening skills, giving someone else your full attention.
- Stay present, even during conflict — try not to withdraw or escalate when things are tense.
- Practice naming what you feel, which can invite support from others.
- Build regular connection with your friends and loved ones into your daily habits and routines.
- Take notice of your own patterns, paying attention to whether certain relationships tend to calm you or make you feel more emotional.
These skills all take practice, especially if attachment styles and early experiences give you a tendency to avoid connection during stress. But building your co-regulation habits into daily relationships can gradually add up to a more positive experience with others in your life.
Get Support for Emotional Regulation Difficulties With Mission Connection
Even with practice, co-regulation skills can still be difficult, particularly when past relationships or trauma recovery have made secure attachment difficult. This is why Mission Connection offers outpatient-based mental health care to help you strengthen your emotional regulation skills and rebuild a sense of safety in your relationships.
Working through attachment patterns, dealing with past traumas, and navigating parenting challenges are all important to the recovery process, and our expert team can help you heal. Our licensed mental health professionals go beyond traditional treatment and provide life-changing care.
We offer several options for effective outpatient treatment, including in-person programs at our locations in California, Virginia, and Washington, virtual telehealth, and a hybrid program that combines in-person and virtual care. Every patient receives a customized care plan that consists of evidence-based therapies. We treat a variety of mental health conditions and are in-network with most major insurance providers.
Reach out to us online or call us at 866-833-1822 to find out how we can support your well-being.
Co-Regulation FAQ
If you have any continuing questions about co-regulation, the following answers to FAQs may help.
Is co-regulation the same as codependency?
No, co-regulation supports mutually healthy connections, while codependency involves having an unhealthy reliance on someone else for your emotional stability.
Can adults still develop better co-regulation skills?
They definitely can. Early experiences shape attachment patterns, but adults can build stronger co-regulation skills in therapy and in secure relationships, regardless of what the past looked like.